03.01.08
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller
The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate – but with careful steps – we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.
The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.
“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.
“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”
Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.
Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:
“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.
“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”
I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing – that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.
And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:
“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”
So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.
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02.21.08
Posted in Dawn's Writing, News at 7:28 am by Dawn Miller
In 2006, ABC Primetime viewers watching a “Stepfamilies in Crisis” expose, were horrified to see Kyle Nelson, then 15, being assaulted and screamed at by her father and stepmother. One of the most heart-rending scenes showed preschool-aged stepsiblings praying loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sounds of profanity and abuse being heaped on Kyle. I even wrote about it in my column.
The Associated Press reports today that Kyle, now 20 years old, is suing ABC News, its parent corporation (the Walt Disney Company), popular news anchor Diane Sawyer, ABC President Dave Weston, producer David Sloan, and three psychologists associated with the episode. According to the Associated Press:
Attorney Matthew Norfolk, who filed the suit on Nelson’s behalf, said the young woman suffers lasting effects from the abuse and ABC’s airing of it….The lawsuit seeks punitive damages; a permanent injunction against ABC showing the film of the abuse again; and a judgment compelling ABC to fulfill its promises to provide the woman with counseling, Norfolk said. “We maintain that a situation of continual, ongoing child abuse could have been stopped by ABC,” Norfolk told the Plattsburgh Press-Republican.
The lawsuit requests damages on eight claims relating to the “Primetime” segment, including failure to rescue the girl; promotion of a hostile, hazardous, unsafe and abusive atmosphere; invasion of privacy; failure to report abuse; and publication of the girl’s condition and mental-health status.
The abuse was captured within hundreds of hours of footage filmed by ABC (with permission from the adults in the family) at the family’s home. By the time the special aired, Kyle had moved out of the house and in with her grandparents.
She moved out of her own volition - not because ABC had reported the abuse to child protection authorities – ABC was way too busy raking in advertising revenue to worry about a teenage girl’s pain and ongoing abuse. By the time the special aired, it was too late for prosecutors to bring abuse charges, as the statute of limitations prevented prosecution of the abuse Kyle had suffered when it was filmed four years later.
After the story aired, ABC’s website was so deluged with thousands of viewer comments and outrage that the network actually had to shut down its viewer comment feature. Many of them called for correspondent Diane Sawyer’s resignation, and it provoked some ethical hand-wringing within the journalism community – where even defenders of Diane Sawyer said they thought she screwed up. After hearing from Kyle Nelson’s family how truly in the dark ABC tried to keep them about the existence of the videotape showing the abuse, even Sawyer’s defenders were ready to point a finger in judgment. ABC execs knew – if they shared the tape with a counselor who was a mandatory child abuse reporter or a family member who shared it with a district attorney – they would lose access to the tape. Their great expose would have been up in smoke, if they had done the right thing.
Meanwhile, a tender and abused teenage girl was dragged into the public eye. Kyle Nelson had to issue a statement asking ABC viewers to not attack her father and even appeared on Good Morning America to let viewers know she was OK. ABC even issued a statement with her teen’s comments to try to quell the hubbub. CNN even had to cover the fuss.
At the time, ABC said it was providing counseling for the entire family, Kyle’s lawsuit alleges that ABC did not fulfill this promise to her. The girl stopped attending counseling because her therapist shared information with her stepmother repeatedly.
Let’s hope Kyle Nelson gets justice for her exploitation by ABC Primetime, and that the people who bungled this will be held accountable.
Additional news stories:
- Elizabethtown Woman Sues ABC News – WPTZ, February 21, 2008
- Reality-Like TV Show Results in Lawsuit, Placid Woman Beaten as Cameras Roll - The Press Republican, February 20, 2008
- ABC News Transcript from Good Morning America – ABC, April 25, 2006
- Calls for Sawyer to Resign after Teen Beating Report – Fox News, April 24, 2006
- ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink – TheStepfamilyLife, April 24, 2006
Bloggers chiming in:
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02.20.08
Posted in News at 5:43 am by Dawn Miller
When National Guard Sgt. Jonathan VanderWert went to Iraq in August, he left behind his wife, Blake, and a blended family with 7 children. They were living in a 120-year-old fixer-upper house in Minnesota bought to hold their large family.
But VanderWert’s deployment to Iraq left their rehab efforts in tatters. Walls were unfinished, only one toilet worked, and the kitchen was cold and in need of serious repair.
The Heroes at Home program stepped in, and spent 3 months remodeling the VanderWert family’s house. Blake and some of the kids stayed rent-free in a nearby house owned by a funeral home, and the rest of the kids stayed with VanderWert’s ex-wife.
With the problems fixed and the kitchen in much better shape (not to mention warm), the family came home this week. The community contributed money to re-furnish the home for them. Read more about it in the Star-Tribune and Minnesota Public Radio.
Bravo to Heroes at Home for their work helping this military stepfamily!
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02.18.08
Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies at 8:58 am by Dawn Miller
A new British study of stepdads confirms that they often have a difficult time adjusting to their roles, and face conflict, especially with teenage boys. In a story on MS-NBC in south Florida, the struggles of stepdad John Vanek in San Jose with 13-year-old Ian are detailed. Initially thrilled with their decision to wed, Ian races to hig John – but months later the battles for authority and control began – with Ian testing John. It’s a story familiar to many stepfamilies.
The researchers had some interesting things to say:
While stepparents of either gender tend to be aloof, stepdads are more likely than stepmoms to fight with teenage children, especially if the child is a boy, says Erini Flouri, lead author of the study and a researcher at the Institute of Education at the University of London. Stepdads were more likely than biological fathers to see their stepteens as hyperactive or badly behaved, the researchers found.
Experts cited in the article also confirmed the importance of the bio-parent and stepparent being on the same page when it comes to discipline.
Child development experts say that teens often do behave worse for a stepdad than for a biological dad. If kids sense that their mother isn’t going to give unqualified support to the stepdad in an argument, they are more likely to resist efforts at discipline.
There are so many dynamics in a stepfamily. It’s great to see some research being done about stepfathers, as there is very little information available . A case in point – I have a few links for stepdads and books listed on my site. If you know about new links for stepdads, please drop me a note or post a comment.
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12.14.07
Posted in News at 7:20 am by Dawn Miller
The news media are providing more coverage this year of stepfamilies and their holiday juggling acts. It’s still not nearly enough to help the millions out there dealing with blended family issues over the holidays, but here’s a few articles with advice and tips:
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12.13.07
Posted in Research About Stepfamilies at 10:22 pm by Dawn Miller
This study is specifically examining how parent-child and parent-parent relationships in families are interrelated, and how factors like stress, optimism and support impact those relationships. While I will be recruiting people from a wide range of family structures for the study, I am hoping to specifically recruit a reasonable number of stepfamilies in the sample to help address the general lack of research on this growing type of family. I find the dynamics of a step-family to be extremely fascinating and I am hopeful that this project will help shed some light on the unique strengths and challenges of such families.The “Married (or Dating) with Children” Study
Requirements:
If you are currently: in a romantic relationship, a parent or step-parent with at least 1 child living in your house at least 3 days a week, and you are at least 18 years old.
1.Voluntary and anonymous
2.Can be completed online
3.Is SHORT (takes 15-20 minutes)
4.Will offer you extensive feedback on your personality and your relationship.
Take the survey now!
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12.11.07
Posted in Books, Perspectives at 1:32 am by Dawn Miller
Scribe-in-arms, Karon Goodman has just published a new book, Stepping-Stones for Stepmoms: Everyday Strength for a Blended-Family Mom. I hope you enjoy this chat with Karon about her book:
What was your goal in writing the book?
Perhaps all of my books begin as therapy for me, and this one is no exception. Over my years of stepmothering, I’ve found great comfort and guidance in reliance on my faith, and as I corresponded with stepmoms everywhere, I found they had a similar need for God’s grace and direction in dealing with a less than perfect steplife. I want “Stepping Stones for Stepmoms” to help the reader trust God unafraid and allow Him to help her become the very best stepmom she can be. I want the book to be an inspiration to stepmoms, to give them comforting hope and practical help, and to let them know they’re not alone.
What types of challenges do stepmoms run into on the personal and spiritual levels?
It seems that no matter how much we prepare beforehand, stepmotherhood is full of unexpected and sometimes frightening challenges. We’re sometimes surprised by the feelings of fear, resentment, anger, guilt, jealousy — and the struggle to find our place in a new family. It can be tough to be instant mom-figure to kids who may or may not like the situation while trying to get a new marriage going strong. At the same time, stepmoms may be dealing with the criticism or ridicule of others or new family members who don’t share their faith. I think the best thing stepmoms can do for themselves is draw heavily on their trust in God and rest in His saving grace as they work to reflect Him to everyone else. It helps to remember that whatever didn’t turn out well today is another chance to learn and grow to make tomorrow better. Stepmothering is a great venue for learning how very big God is! How do you think the book helps stepmoms deal with their challenging family relationships?
Along with the obvious reliance on God are immediate and practical ways that stepmoms can address the situations and feelings they face every day, and the short chapters explore such challenges as insecurity, despair and impatience, joy, insight and gratitude. The book looks at these issues with a present and future perspective to help the reader both now and later. Our lives include a whole bunch of people, and we have little control over them and their choices. However, we make our lives better when we learn how to work within the considerable power and control we have in areas such as our responsibility, our honesty, our courage and our forgiveness. The book encourages stepmoms to always keep their integrity in dealing with others and to remember the goals they’ve set for themselves, always working to create a peaceful and stable home for their families.
Is there anything you wish you had included in the book, and weren’t able to include?
Of course, no book can address every issue or solve every problem, but I believe that “Stepping Stones for Stepmoms” is an inspiring and helpful guide for any stepmom. Ideally, it will provide immediate and specific help for the reader, empower her to make wise choices for herself and her family, and ultimately nourish her so that she can help and support the other stepmoms she meets. Stepmothering can feel like a very isolated world, so the more we learn, the more we can share with each other to make life better for ourselves and those who journey with us.
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11.20.07
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 7:57 pm by Dawn Miller
The Mahopac family is collecting oreos, socks, packaged drinks and other items to mail to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq. Initially the family started mailing care packages to Luke Rathschmidt, a 21-year-old soldier and family member who is stationed in Baghdad.
Luke pointed out to his 8 “blended” brothers and sisters that many of the troops don’t have anyone to send things to them – much less a huge supportive blended family. And “Operation Defending the Holidays” was born.
The family is collecting items through donation boxes in three towns and is also working with two VFW posts. They live in New York state.
Read more about their efforts.
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11.16.07
Posted in News, Perspectives at 6:41 pm by Dawn Miller
There’s a great article in today’s Asbury Park Press on dealing with holiday traditions changing in famiiles dealing with remarriage, divorce or loss. It offers some good advice for blended families who are eager to embrace new traditions, but may not find the kids quite so enthuiastic:
“One of the problems with newly blended families is that parents are excited about pulling everyone together and may forget that the kids don’t match their level of enthusiasm,” says Mandelbaum.
“If you’re coming from a divorced or newly married situation, continue traditions that don’t infringe on others and create new ones to bond the family together. The stepparent and stepchild may even want to do something one on one, but take the child’s lead in that.”
One thing that I was not prepared for in blended family life was the level of negotiation that would occur around our holidays. I guess I figured we would just figure it out once and that would be it. Instead, every year is a jigsaw puzzle.
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11.07.07
Posted in News at 8:04 am by Dawn Miller
Check out these recent articles on blended families and weddings:
Links for stepfamily weddings
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