07.03.07

Wired Kids: Tech-Saturation with Safety in Mind

Posted in Kids Today at 1:20 am by Dawn Miller

Watching my stepkids text message on their cell phones, and knowing how long it takes me to peck out a message - I know that even though I’m a tech enthusiast - they are tech-saturated. And so are their friends.

Kids are using electronic devices at earlier ages. A new marketing research study found that the age children start interacting with electronics dropped from 8.1 years of age in 2005 to 6.7 years of age in 2007.

Our kids live in a wired world, and they need to learn how to make wise decisions about technology. Talk to your kids about how to use electronics and the Internet with safety in mind, and get informed about the technology yourself.

There’s a lot of great information available online from NetSmartz, they have online games for kids, information for teens, and advice for parents. 

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06.15.07

Huffington Post: Resisting the Urge To Diss Your Ex When Your Kids Visit on Father’s Day

Posted in Kids Today at 12:48 pm by Dawn Miller

There was a great post yesterday by Jill Brooke on Huffington Post about Resisting the Urge To Diss Your Ex When Your Kids Visit on Father’s Day. Brooke discusses how tempting it is to trash the ex-husband in front of your child, how hard it can be to handle your personal pain after a divorce, and how damaging badmouthing the other parent can be to your child’s self-concept.

She shares a great poem (from Jeannette Lofas with the Stepfamily Foundation) that illustrates the point:

My Mom says my Dad’s no good.

My Dad says my Mom’s no good,

I guess I must be no good.

So watch what you say in front of your kids. Count to 10, 20, and even 30 if you have to.

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New Column: Teaching Our Kids the Value of Volunteering

Posted in Dawn's Writing, Kids Today at 12:20 pm by Dawn Miller

I’ve got a new column out (as of last night) discussing the value of volunteering amid a world obsessed with pop-celebrity and triviality. Here’s my crack at it:

Service to the community can help draw your family together, help kids understand how their choices and actions impact others, and strengthen community linkages. But how do you pry today’s kids away from the TV screen or computer and develop an ethic of service?

I didn’t marry into a mob of revolutionary idealists. My three stepkids were hard-core suburbanites with a touch of sass. Their lives revolved around their friends, an over-the-top devotion to all things pop culture (think E, IM and Paris Hilton 24-7), and the social ups and downs of their daily lives. In other words – they were pretty typical.

I was a young and naïve stepmom who’d spent the last ten years as a volunteer and consultant to do-good-causes. So how do you jolt a bunch of teens out of the lethargic embrace of the living room sofa and into action?

Ask them to help and make it easy for them to do it. A few years ago, I needed to attach about 5,000 blue and white ribbons to pins and cards to distribute for Child Abuse Prevention Month. I explained the project to the kids over dinner and asked them to help.

When they came home from school for a week, the ribbons were conveniently parked in front of the TV. Ergo – watch TV, start pinning. A bunch of ladies at our church helped out too, and we had the whole thing finished lickity-split.

Save some money year-round for a project that you do together as a family. Each year at Christmas time our church collects shoeboxes loaded with gifts for needy children around the world and distributes them through the Samaritan’s Purse. We save loose change in a jar and use it to fund shoebox gifts for needy kids.

The jar isn’t in an obvious spot, but we refer to it from time to time and add to it all year. I think repeating the same project for a few years now, has also helped us get more out of it, rather than having a one-shot volunteer moment buried within a jam-packed schedule.

Don’t make service a chore. Let them make choices. Seek out kid-friendly volunteer opportunities with local charities, and do things that really make a difference for real people. Find things you can do together as a family like a trail clean-up or making decorations to take to a nursing home.

Try to give your child options and choices within a service project, especially if they are in their teens. When we pack the shoebox gifts, my stepdaughter picks out some of the items and goes with us to drop them off. Seeing our boxes go into a giant van with all of the others is pretty gratifying, and lets us see that what we are doing is part of something much bigger.

Count on the experience to make the impact. Don’t get preachy. One thing about our shoebox project that we like, is that our kids get to see that lots of kids in the world aren’t as well off as they are.

Doing the project together lets us talk about money and giving in front of the kids, and lets their oh-so-consumer-conscious wheels spin a little bit. I can’t say it’s made them less materialistic, but I do think it’s made them more aware of what they have.

Encourage kids to reflect on a service experience. Expressing your own feelings about service, and asking children to share their feelings about service (both good and bad), has an impact in the long run because it encourages reflection. During the holidays, we’ll insert into our family prayer at dinner time, a mention of the shoebox gifts and their recipients.

Even if you get a few eye-rolls, remember that service has a positive impact on kids. Kids involved in service to the community get better grades, have better attitudes toward school, and relate better to others. They’re also more likely to consider how they can change society, want to understand how government works, and see a connection between politics and morality. Service is an expression of who we are and who we hope to become. Consider how you can involve your family in giving back today.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com.  Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription.

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06.14.07

Stepfathers and Non-resident Dads Can Have Powerful & Positive Effect on Children

Posted in Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 7:32 am by Dawn Miller

New research from Penn State University shows that stepfathers and non-resident Dads can have a powerful and positive effect on children.

According to researcher Valarie King, it boils down to the quality of the relationship. The amount of time spent with a child, was not nearly as important as the quality of the relationship with the child. Researchers found that the closer the father-child relationship, the better the child was doing.

King’s research looked at adolescence and how the father-child relationship affected health, behavior, grades and delinquency. 

Although some previous research had found that the stepparent-stepchild relationship could be difficult and that stepfathers may not positively influence stepchild well-being - King’s research found that a close relationship between a stepfather and his stepchildren could be very positive for the children and their development. She also found that stepchildren could have positive relationships with stepmothers too.

Conflict between parents was also detrimental to a child’s positive growth and development, and King suggested that children might be better off with only one parent in their lives if the relationship between the two parents remains hostile and disruptive to the child.

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06.12.07

Yours, Mine & Ours: Can One Kid Sabotage a Couple?

Posted in News, Kids Today at 9:15 am by Dawn Miller

Entertaining story in the Globe & Mail about a common blended family dilemma - can the ire and animosity of one fickle child capsize a fledgling romantic relationship for Mom?

You betcha. A therapist and stepfamily expert offer helpful advice to our aspiring blended family, but says there’s hope that everyone will learn to get along:

“There is a reason that second marriages have a high rate of failure,” she says, “and that certainly can be because of kids.” Indeed, the situation with Cindy has set this relationship close to the breaking point. Boyfriend says that “it was a tough call for a while” when the problem started, as he increasing felt “not welcome in the family.”

“Remembering that it takes between two and five years for a blended family to gel can help couples stay balanced,” says Ms. Stephens. She also recommends “lowering your expectations that you’ll have a happily ever after family with a yours, mine and ours chemical formula.”

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Stepmoms - Participate in New Research Study Just About You!

Posted in Research About Stepfamilies at 9:01 am by Dawn Miller

If you’re a stepmom and don’t have bio-children of your own, then you know that you face special issues. And if you have children of your own and stepchildren, you have other challenges. Well now researchers at the State University of New York-Buffalo are conducting the first ever study to look at the experiences and satisfaction of stepmoms who do and do not have biological children. They invite all stepmoms to participate in their research. The survey is short and is online.

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06.06.07

Difficult Childhoods: Can We Trade in Our Parents?

Posted in Perspectives, Research About Stepfamilies at 11:27 am by Dawn Miller

The Washington Post’s “MyTime” column reported that in a California study, 75% of adults said that they had difficult childhoods. When a support group was asked what they would change about their lives – 20% of them said their parents!

Clearly, a lot of adults carry scars from their upbringing into adulthood. For many, those wounds are healed through new relationships as adults. But not everyone makes it - there are a few people who never recover from a difficult childhood and remain stuck in the muck of a bad past.

These findings serve as a warning to stepfamilies. Strive to do what is best for children, and help them grow up to be competent, and well-adjusted adults.

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06.05.07

New Column: Losing the Weight, Cranking Up Your Diet and Attitude

Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 8:06 pm by Dawn Miller

I’ve got a new column out about my efforts to lose weight and get in shape. Here it is:

If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and wondered how did I let the weight get to this point? How did I let my health become an afterthought? What can I do now to get myself out of this mess? Then you know where I am right now.

As I looked at my pudgy out-of-shape body in the mirror, I wondered how I had allowed my weight to creep so high. I was at the heaviest point in my 36-year-old life – with a body mass index qualifying me as obese. My older thinner clothes ended up in a tidy box – set aside for “someday” when I got around to losing weight.

I had rationalized stress eating with the demands of a blended family, career, and (like everyone else) my all-around busy life. In a catty moment, I figured hey, I was still skinnier than my husband’s ex-wife (not by much). Now here I was – heavy, out-of-shape, and unhappy about it. So here’s what I’ve done to start my diet:

Ease into better eating. Five weeks ago, I began gradually changing my eating habits. It was small steps at first – a declined extra helping, more water all the time, a switch to fruit for snacks, and the occasional walk around the block to clear my head. At business lunches with dessert, I still ate a little dessert and even rolls. Unlike my previous yo-yo diets, I didn’t feel deprived or like I was giving up anything. I lost 9 pounds in five weeks without making any major changes.

Reflect on your eating habits and why you ate what you ate. I’m a sugar addict and have quite a sweet tooth. Bad habits and stress eating did it. There were days working in downtown Washington where I would eat a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a greasy lunch with fries, and have two large whole milk lattes with flavor shots – imagine all those extra calories (not to mention the expense)! And then I’d get home exhausted from an hour and a half commute to eat a big dinner.

Start moving and get some exercise in a positive atmosphere. My fitness level was so bad, that just walking a mile and a half winded me. I was mortified to realize how bad I had let things slide. At a charity auction, I bought a cheap month-long membership for a lush women-only gym. I expected to see stick-thin Stepford Wives perched on the treadmills sneering down at me the first time I lumbered in - but instead found women of all sizes at all sorts of fitness levels. There was no judgment. Just encouragement.

Take it to a new level. And then it got more serious than just how I felt about myself and the box of clothes I can’t wear. During my last visit, my ob/gyn told me that I need to lose weight before we go to the fertility clinic for in-vitro fertilization. She ran through a long litany of potential problems if I get pregnant carrying extra weight – like gestational diabetes, stillbirth, and complications that could endanger my health and our child.

The doctor’s words gave me a new surge of motivation and she put me on a high protein and low-carb diet. So now the game is on and the diet is moving up a notch. When my month at the fitness palace ends, I’ll switch to the freebie gym that’s part of our homeowner’s association benefits. Look out weight – you’re coming off!

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05.31.07

Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy

Posted in Dawn's Writing at 7:25 pm by Dawn Miller

My new column about the HBO hit series, “Big Love,” is out. Check it out online with a YouTube clip or read below:

Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy

HBO’s hit show, “Big Love,” a tale about the Henricksons, a perfectly average middle class suburban family consisting of a Dad, three wives, and seven kids returns June 11th – and I can’t wait.

Perhaps it’s because as a stepmom in a blended family, I see mirrored in the jealousies, feelings, and interactions on the show, some of the situations that emerge in my stepfamily that aren’t addressed in other places.

Even if you are not a polygamist, marriage is for so many of us – a package deal. When I married my husband – I didn’t marry just him. I also got 3 kids and one ex-wife.  She is like a satellite in orbit tethered to our marriage. Her choice of words to the kids, financial decisions, and career pursuits affect us.

And I’m not the only one with a bio-mom inhabiting my universe. Thirteen million women in the United States today are stepmothers, and 92% of them do not have sole custody of their stepchildren. Shared custody means that stepmoms are influenced by and must interact with bio-moms in many ways. Small wonder “Big Love” resonates so deeply.

When Barb wanted to take a teaching job and her sister wives, Nicki and Margene, complained that she was offloading work and counting on them to pick up the slack – I could relate. I could see the knowing nods of a thousand stepmoms stuck with carpool duty, birthday party chauffeuring, and soccer practice because the bio-mom took a new job and dumped the schedule on her after the fact.

What one of us does, affects the rest. Like it or not – we are stuck with each other – forever – because of the kids.

Our values influence how we raise our children, but just because we are different in approaches doesn’t mean our kids are worse for it. So often in stepfamilies, we find that our core values influence how we structure our households and that our two homes don’t entirely agree. In my home, things will never be spic-and-span, but it will never be as carefree as my husband’s ex-wife’s home – hopefully the kids will in adulthood end up somewhere in the middle between clean and complete pig-sty.

Even among the three wives on the show, there is dispute over the core values that guide their lives. Nicki was so scandalized when she caught Margene smoking a cigarette in front of one of the kids, that she reprimanded her for spreading bad values to the kids. And she neglected to realize that by revealing her own secret, Margene lured Teeny into revealing one of her own.

As much as we may not like our differences at times in blended families, on many issues, our children are better for getting more than one perspective.

Raising children really does take a village. The reality is that our children are influenced by a variety of care-givers and influencers. No matter how good a parent is, he or she cannot spot everything going on with a child. Teachers, coaches, family friends and so many other people affect our children and the people they become.

When teenager Ben and his girlfriend Brynn made up after school and started making out, they were caught by Nicki and Margene on pick-up patrol, not his mom and dad. And it’s Margene, the ditzy third wife with a heart of gold, who reminds Ben how lucky he was to be taught that sex is sacred and virginity should not be given away easily. Even strait-edged Nicki notes that it really does take a village to raise children, and no one can do it alone.

For a show about a practice most Americans find utterly distasteful, “Big Love” explores what binds non-traditional families together in a way few television shows do.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com.

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05.30.07

Blending Two Families Into One

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies at 11:03 pm by Dawn Miller

A laurel goes to the Cape Cod Times for recently publishing a positive story about finding ways to blend two families into one. Too bad the reporter didn’t ask how the Census Bureau assigns people to the categories, as the numbers she reports are far below the national averages. She might have found out that many of the children counted as living with a single parent are really living in a shared custody arrangement and therefore the U.S. Census Bureau actually under-estimates the number of stepfamilies.

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