Comments for TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog

Comment on Stepfamily Teens Don’t Do As Well in School, Says Study by Christine Tufnell

Tue, 06 May 2008 09:38:45 +0000

Hi
I’m so glad that I didn’t know that my children were likely to suffer educationally when I remarried. My two sons, who were 11 and 13, acquired 3 teenage stepbrothers. 4 of the boys lived with us. However both my sons have graduated with degrees, so I don’t think that their stepsiblings had a negative effect on them. Had we stayed as a single parent family, they would have had less of my time and attention as I would have had to work fulltime. They also had the benefit of a caring stepfather.

I think it is difficult to make judgements from this type of study as there are many other issues to take into account.

Comment on Stepfamily Teens Don’t Do As Well in School, Says Study by Mister-M

Mon, 05 May 2008 15:25:44 +0000

I have no idea about the study. Further, I’ve seen enough studies that have had bizarre conclusions that I often feel I need to look much more deeply to make draw my own conclusion.

DW and I each have 2 from our prior marriages. The ages? 7, 8,9, and 9. With a few exceptions, they get along great. They have their moments, but nothing that we feel is unexpected for the age range.

Time, distance, and circumstances differ between the two of us and we have had varying degrees of custody with all of them together, from a “100%” summer last year, to every other week, to every other weekend, you name it.

It warms my heart that when they are apart for a period of time (sometimes it’s several weeks) - both sides just want to know when they’re going to see the other again.

For the record, all 4 are doing excellent in school, despite our crazy schedules and varying degrees of interaction.

Comment on Step-grandparents: Good Advice on Building Relationships by Cyndi

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:56:18 +0000

The last few days I have been n the phone with my daughter, her and her husband went on a weekend outing leaving my 3 grandchildren with my son in laws parents, My daughter had 2 children when she married my faboulous son in law ( my son) they together had a beautiful daughter, My BG have been hurt many times my their step grandparents making moments that my BG are not true ( family name) even though my son in law loves them and has adopted them giving them his last name, she hurt my BG this last weekend when she and her other daughter in law had a converstion over dinner about how Kayla was not a true (family name) and that Christy and Brooke was. Brooke is my grandaughters sister.. Brooke is only 7 and does not understand and when my daughter and her husband got home she was questioning the her parents why kayla and Brandon are not true ( family name) but that she and her Bio cousins were.
My daughter is so hurt and she has been though so much, my son in law is a wonderful father and husband and also son very successful and does not want to hurt his parents, how do we handle this. I have 2 step grandaughters 7 and 2. I could never hurt them, if anything when they visit us I think I go overboard to make sure they know I love them the word step has never entered my mind. i feel blessed that God has allowed me to have them in my life. I hope i can give them something to take with them though their life. I have 2 BG also 7 and i call them my triplets,I try and get all 3 girls together and want them to have that close cousin bond.

Comment on Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto by Amanda Brown

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 19:06:35 +0000

This comment is for Maria, hopefully you check this board again soon. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man who has two children and so will soon find myself in a blended family. I do not have much in terms of advice, but I can only offer support. First: Of course your husband loves you, believe it! Start with your love for each other and go from there!
I also wanted to share a thought from something I read about parenting and family situations regarding children. Never forget that your children will one day grow up and be out of the house with their own families. The core of the family unit is the husband and wife! I will admit I am not a biological mother, but even the Bible reminds us that the husband and wife tie/bond is stronger than that of blood. This is because one day children will leave their parents, and choose a husband or wife of their own. Of course your children will always be part of your life, but I find something very humbling, comforting, and encouraging in this fact.
Also, I read that children do not have to all be parented uniformly. Especially if you each have your own children, or share joint custody. So in a sense, your parenting could be night and day, and yet still healthy.
Good luck to you. I am proud of you for reaching out for help! What an important step. Sorry, I couldn’t do more.

Comment on More Tips to Help Blended Families by AnotherMama

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:55:38 +0000

“Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?”

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote this.

In my own case, even though I don’t like my S-kid’s bio-mom and even though I don’t agree with most things she decides, I still have a huge amount of respect for this woman. And this is regardless of how she treats me or my H. (I try not to take the way she treats my H or me personal b/c she would be this way towards anyone else in our position) btw- I fail at this constantly.

Some just don’t get this. One stepmom wrote “whether or not BM deserves respect is irrelevant to whether or not I treat her with respect.” (although I am not sure what the author is trying to relay by this statement) she goes on to say “I try never to base my actions on whether or not someone “deserves” to be treated in a certain way.” This is simply not agreeable to me. Because we should, and we NEED to base all of our actions on the fact that she does deserve this respect. Even though I don’t like the other parent’s actions, I doesn’t mean I don’t respect them. Yes, some and most disagree with this, but the articulation that you describe is reasoning behind the why and the how I believe it to be.

Let’s take what you said and enter disrespect in caps.

—- “When you DIS-RESPECT” your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear “OR SEE SOMEONE DIS-RESPECT THE OTHER PARENT” - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?”

Is is not the same thing? If we don’t do this we are literally disrespecting the child and who they are.

Now keep in mind when I write this I am not promoting that we let the other parent “run all over us” or “disrespect us”. We do need stand up for ourselves. We can do this carefully and with the upmost tact.

IMO-to have the other parent respected at all times (along with the child) nurtures and creates a more confident child with higher self-esteem and self worth. (and no we are not going to like them at all times, just as we don’t like our bosses, parents, coaches, trainers, and children but we sure do respect the hell out of em.)

Just my 2 cents.
AM

Comment on Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto by Maria Dusseault

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:47:48 +0000

I am in a blended family situation and I am miserable and I desperately need help. Our parenting style is night and day and so is our communication style. At this point I question what we have compatible. We never prepared or talked about any of these issues prior to getting married, of course our biggest mistake. I want to believe he loves me and I certainly love him. I could use some help out here in Connecticut and it is not easy to find.

Comment on Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto by Dawn Miller

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:25:46 +0000

I received this comment from Jeff and Judi Parziale and they agreed it could be posted:
We are very proud of Don and Kathy and the growth, not only of their ministry, but of them as a couple. They have modeled well for all of us how to thrive through adversity. We are honored to call them friends. Thanks for featuring them.

Jeff Parziale, Ph.D., M.Div
Judi Parziale, PhD.

Team Leaders, AMFM Stepfamily Ministry Team
Family Pastors, Pantano Christian Church, Tucson, AZ

Comment on Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto by AnotherMama

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:54:21 +0000

Interesting article.

I am finding that being THE example of what we want for the kids is working pretty well for us. Everything is great right now! But it will all change. Then it will be horrible. Then it will get better.
We do wrong, we say we are sorry, we forgive and then we laugh about it, and then we try something different.- But at the end of the day we are family and we may not like each other’s actions but we love the person. We are human and that is what is conveyed.

Comment on Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto by Jill

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 04:35:27 +0000

This is a neat article! I enjoyed reading it.

Comment on ABC Primetime’s Expose of Stepfamilies: Nets a Lawsuit for Diane Sawyer & Company by Dawn Miller

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:36:16 +0000

Hi Angela,
Feel free to write what you like in the comments section. If you’d like to say something longer - I am always open to considering posts from guest writers that I can post to my blog. Thanks for writing!
best,
Dawn