03.01.08

Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller

The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate - but with careful steps - we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.

The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.

“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.

“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”

Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.

Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:

“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.

“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”

I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing - that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.

And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:

“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”

So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.

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11.20.07

Blended Family Plans “Operation Defending the Holidays”

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 7:57 pm by Dawn Miller

The Mahopac family is collecting oreos, socks, packaged drinks and other items to mail to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq. Initially the family started mailing care packages to Luke Rathschmidt, a 21-year-old soldier and family member who is stationed in Baghdad.

Luke pointed out to his 8 “blended” brothers and sisters that many of the troops don’t have anyone to send things to them - much less a huge supportive blended family. And “Operation Defending the Holidays” was born.

The family is collecting items through donation boxes in three towns and is also working with two VFW posts. They live in New York state.

Read more about their efforts.

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04.12.07

Katie Holmes & Nicole Kidman: Stepmom & Bio-Mom Get Along

Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 5:55 pm by Dawn Miller

The word on celebrity blogs is that Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman are swapping parenting advice about Isabella, 14, and Conner, 12. Since her marriage to Tom Cruise, Katie has often been photographed at her stepchildren’s soccer games, cheering them on alongside their dad.

Reportedly, Isabella called Katie to discuss a dress she wanted to wear to a party. Katie felt the dress was too grown-up for her, but Isabella said that her mom had ok’ed the dress. Every stepmom now nods with a smile - oh yes, we’ve seen that strategy before!

Katie called Nicole directly to discuss it, and Nicole agreed with her - sorry Bella, no too grown-up dress for the party this time.

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03.22.07

Stepmom Sandra Bullock is Celebrated on People Magazine’s Cover

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 6:55 pm by Dawn Miller

The March 26th issue of People Magazine sports a photo of Sandra Bullock, stepmom to three, and the article inside focuses more on her well-rounded life than her new movie Premonition. Happily married to James, a biker dude, Bullock has been known to impound Pokemon cards from her stepkids as a disciplinary measure and offers quotes that show her feelings for her stepchildren:

“My love and my want for their future and their happiness, for their homework to be done and for them to know how smart and beautiful they are is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”

You can read a shortened version of the article online. Bravo to People for talking about her life, and a big thank you to Sandra for talking so candidly about her marriage and family. Positive images of stepmoms in the media don’t come along often enough - so we’re relishing this one!

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02.10.07

Stepmoms in the Media: Making a Difference

Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 12:47 pm by Dawn Miller

Even though 1 in 3 Americans today live in stepfamilies, positive images of stepfamilies in the media are few and far between. There are so many hang-ups about the step label that a few people are even trying to change the discussion completely by switching to a new term.

But there are some bright spots - like Scottie Preston of Annapolis, Maryland - recently named Volunteer of the Week by the Annapolis Capital - she’s been a volunteer storyteller to churches, schools and museums for a decade, with a focus on helping people understand colonial African-Americans. She’s a mother to Preston, 8, and stepmom to Rebecca, 13.

I’d like to feature more stepmoms who make a difference - positive images in the media and stepmoms who help out their communities. So nominate someone you know by emailing me.

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