05.10.09
Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 10:51 pm by TheStepfamilyLife
Fraternal Order of Eagles Grand Madam President Pat Durham has experience as a working stepmother from her marriage to a widower with three young boys. She understands the juggling act that mothers (and stepmothers) carry out everyday. Now she travels more than 300 days a year while maintaining relationships with her stepchildren and grandchildren.
The Fraternal Order of Eagles presented the first call for a special day for Moms in 1904. Ten years later, President Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. Below are her reflections on life as a stepmother.
1. Can you tell me about your role as a stepmother to 3 young boys in a blended family? How did you adjust to your role as a stepparent? Can you think of a particular situation that was challenging, but that you persevered through?
My role was to be supportive. I didn’t have any children to blend into the family, so it was unique in that respect. I wondered when I came into the family, not having ‘had any children, how I would do. I became involved in their lives and took a back seat to the discipline and let my husband take care of that. If anyone especially did anything that was personal to me, then I handled it. I didn’t have any particular challenging situation except to me as I was married for the first time at 42, and absorbed into a family with teenage boys. I didn’t have a clue about how to raise teenagers, so it was a learning experience for me as well.
2. What are your relationships with your stepchildren like now?
We are one big family and they accept me as their mother and treat me as such. I receive Mother’s Day cards, etc. We have two grandchildren and they call me grandma, etc. All is well.
3. We know you travel 300 days a year in your work with FOE, how do you stay close to your family while on the road? Any tips you would like to share? Does technology help you stay in touch?
I call my husband each night when I am on the road and we share what has happened during our days. Since I travel with a computer at my side, I also keep in touch with the boys through e-mail.
4. What role did the Fraternal Order of Eagles have in establishing Mother’s Day?
During an Eagles Memorial Service in 1904, Past Eagles Grand Worthy President Frank E. Hering’s keynote address is recognized as the “First Public Plea” for a day to honor mothers. It was through the Eagles that the concept for Mother’s Day first spread across the country. FOE members worked with Mother’s Day advocate Anna Jarvis to encourage adoption of a special day for all mothers across the nation. Members contacted their congressman and made public statements to support the cause. Our efforts paid off when on May 10, 1914, President Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day.
5. As a stepmother and grandmother, how do you feel about Mother’s Day?
I enjoy Mother’s Day and think it is a wonderful day for moms to be recognized for all they do for their families.
6. Is there any other advice you would like to offer stepmoms?
As a stepmom, don’t try to reorganize a family. Be there when needed and offer advice that you think is important, but leave the discipline, etc. to the father. If you have a problem with the children, discuss the appropriate action to take with the father before you do it. You will only be resented if you try to interfere too much. Be loving and kind and be a shoulder to cry on if things get difficult for the children. Make them feel that they can come to you with their problems and that you will listen and offer advice if they want it. Each child is different and you must get to know them as individuals.
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03.18.09
Posted in Perspectives, Stepmom Profiles at 8:28 am by TheStepfamilyLife
Military.com columnist Anita writes admiringly about her friend Holly, a stepmom who is also a military spouse. She makes some interesting observations. Anita writes:
The fact that Holly is a step-mom certainly doesn’t define who she is, but it has been an important part of her life and something that taught her a lot about herself and her family.
Everyone in a stepfamily learns a great deal about compromise, sharing, and themselves. In many ways, i would say being a stepparent has led me to reflect on my own values and helped me grow as a person.
I’ve wondered things like: Do I believe the things I truly say I believe by living them out in my life and behavior? How can I be so self-centered? How do I put the needs of others ahead of my own? And why is it difficult sometimes to get myself to do that with things that seem so very trivial?
Anita writes about the negotiations that happen in many blended families raising children in dual households with differing values:
Holly made many adjustments and compromises with her step son, whom she has knows since he was 8 years old. Her step-son’s mom and Holly were completely different people with different parenting philosophies and there was friction at times. For example, he was allowed to do certain things at his mother’s house that weren’t allowed at Holly’s home. This resulted in some friction. However, Holly and her step-son learned to compromise and focus on the truly important stuff, letting some of the details slide.
Bravo to Holly for her role as a stepmom, mom, and military spouse, and to her friend Anita, for writing about her.
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03.01.08
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller
The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate – but with careful steps – we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.
The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.
“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.
“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”
Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.
Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:
“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.
“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”
I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing – that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.
And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:
“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”
So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.
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11.20.07
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 7:57 pm by Dawn Miller
The Mahopac family is collecting oreos, socks, packaged drinks and other items to mail to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq. Initially the family started mailing care packages to Luke Rathschmidt, a 21-year-old soldier and family member who is stationed in Baghdad.
Luke pointed out to his 8 “blended” brothers and sisters that many of the troops don’t have anyone to send things to them – much less a huge supportive blended family. And “Operation Defending the Holidays” was born.
The family is collecting items through donation boxes in three towns and is also working with two VFW posts. They live in New York state.
Read more about their efforts.
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04.12.07
Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 5:55 pm by Dawn Miller
The word on celebrity blogs is that Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman are swapping parenting advice about Isabella, 14, and Conner, 12. Since her marriage to Tom Cruise, Katie has often been photographed at her stepchildren’s soccer games, cheering them on alongside their dad.
Reportedly, Isabella called Katie to discuss a dress she wanted to wear to a party. Katie felt the dress was too grown-up for her, but Isabella said that her mom had ok’ed the dress. Every stepmom now nods with a smile – oh yes, we’ve seen that strategy before!
Katie called Nicole directly to discuss it, and Nicole agreed with her – sorry Bella, no too grown-up dress for the party this time.
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03.22.07
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 6:55 pm by Dawn Miller
The March 26th issue of People Magazine sports a photo of Sandra Bullock, stepmom to three, and the article inside focuses more on her well-rounded life than her new movie Premonition. Happily married to James, a biker dude, Bullock has been known to impound Pokemon cards from her stepkids as a disciplinary measure and offers quotes that show her feelings for her stepchildren:
“My love and my want for their future and their happiness, for their homework to be done and for them to know how smart and beautiful they are is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”
You can read a shortened version of the article online. Bravo to People for talking about her life, and a big thank you to Sandra for talking so candidly about her marriage and family. Positive images of stepmoms in the media don’t come along often enough – so we’re relishing this one!
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02.10.07
Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 12:47 pm by Dawn Miller
Even though 1 in 3 Americans today live in stepfamilies, positive images of stepfamilies in the media are few and far between. There are so many hang-ups about the step label that a few people are even trying to change the discussion completely by switching to a new term.
But there are some bright spots – like Scottie Preston of Annapolis, Maryland – recently named Volunteer of the Week by the Annapolis Capital – she’s been a volunteer storyteller to churches, schools and museums for a decade, with a focus on helping people understand colonial African-Americans. She’s a mother to Preston, 8, and stepmom to Rebecca, 13.
I’d like to feature more stepmoms who make a difference – positive images in the media and stepmoms who help out their communities. So nominate someone you know by emailing me.
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