03.27.08

More Tips to Help Blended Families

Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:52 pm by Dawn Miller

The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):

Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.

I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.

Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”

Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.

Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”

The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.

If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”

I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.

Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”

Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?

Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.

I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.

The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.

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12.11.07

Chat with Author Karon Goodman, Author of Stepping-Stones for Stepmoms

Posted in Perspectives, Books at 1:32 am by Dawn Miller

Scribe-in-arms, Karon Goodman has just published a new book, Stepping-Stones for Stepmoms: Everyday Strength for a Blended-Family Mom. I hope you enjoy this chat with Karon about her book:  

What was your goal in writing the book?
Perhaps all of my books begin as therapy for me, and this one is no exception. Over my years of stepmothering, I’ve found great comfort and guidance in reliance on my faith, and as I corresponded with stepmoms everywhere, I found they had a similar need for God’s grace and direction in dealing with a less than perfect steplife. I want “Stepping Stones for Stepmoms” to help the reader trust God unafraid and allow Him to help her become the very best stepmom she can be. I want the book to be an inspiration to stepmoms, to give them comforting hope and practical help, and to let them know they’re not alone.

What types of challenges do stepmoms run into on the personal and spiritual levels?
It seems that no matter how much we prepare beforehand, stepmotherhood is full of unexpected and sometimes frightening challenges. We’re sometimes surprised by the feelings of fear, resentment, anger, guilt, jealousy — and the struggle to find our place in a new family. It can be tough to be instant mom-figure to kids who may or may not like the situation while trying to get a new marriage going strong. At the same time, stepmoms may be dealing with the criticism or ridicule of others or new family members who don’t share their faith. I think the best thing stepmoms can do for themselves is draw heavily on their trust in God and rest in His saving grace as they work to reflect Him to everyone else. It helps to remember that whatever didn’t turn out well today is another chance to learn and grow to make tomorrow better. Stepmothering is a great venue for learning how very big God is! How do you think the book helps stepmoms deal with their challenging family relationships?
Along with the obvious reliance on God are immediate and practical ways that stepmoms can address the situations and feelings they face every day, and the short chapters explore such challenges as insecurity, despair and impatience, joy, insight and gratitude. The book looks at these issues with a present and future perspective to help the reader both now and later. Our lives include a whole bunch of people, and we have little control over them and their choices. However, we make our lives better when we learn how to work within the considerable power and control we have in areas such as our responsibility, our honesty, our courage and our forgiveness. The book encourages stepmoms to always keep their integrity in dealing with others and to remember the goals they’ve set for themselves, always working to create a peaceful and stable home for their families. 

Is there anything you wish you had included in the book, and weren’t able to include?
Of course, no book can address every issue or solve every problem, but I believe that “Stepping Stones for Stepmoms” is an inspiring and helpful guide for any stepmom. Ideally, it will provide immediate and specific help for the reader, empower her to make wise choices for herself and her family, and ultimately nourish her so that she can help and support the other stepmoms she meets. Stepmothering can feel like a very isolated world, so the more we learn, the more we can share with each other to make life better for ourselves and those who journey with us. 

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11.16.07

Family Holiday Stress: Ease into Transitions

Posted in News, Perspectives at 6:41 pm by Dawn Miller

There’s a great article in today’s Asbury Park Press on dealing with holiday traditions changing in famiiles dealing with remarriage, divorce or loss. It offers some good advice for blended families who are eager to embrace new traditions, but may not find the kids quite so enthuiastic:

“One of the problems with newly blended families is that parents are excited about pulling everyone together and may forget that the kids don’t match their level of enthusiasm,” says Mandelbaum.

“If you’re coming from a divorced or newly married situation, continue traditions that don’t infringe on others and create new ones to bond the family together. The stepparent and stepchild may even want to do something one on one, but take the child’s lead in that.”

One thing that I was not prepared for in blended family life was the level of negotiation that would occur around our holidays. I guess I figured we would just figure it out once and that would be it. Instead, every year is a jigsaw puzzle.

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09.24.07

Step-grandparents: Good Advice on Building Relationships

Posted in Perspectives at 11:29 pm by Dawn Miller

There’s a nice article in “Parents and Kids” out of Massachusetts offering advice for step-grandparents.

One point of note - the writer advises step-grandparents to treat step-grandchildren and grandchildren equally. This is a problem that many have written to me about seeking advice. I wish the author had offered more advice on this topic.

Advice on building a bond - suggesting that step-grandparents remember birthdays, and visit at special times of year - are all helpful.

The point is to try to build a relationship that is based on affection and respect between kids and their step-grandparents.

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07.15.07

When You Marry a Guy With Kids, It’s a Package Deal

Posted in News, Perspectives at 8:43 am by Dawn Miller

A divorced and remarried Dad recently wrote in to Ask Lisa with Philly Women seeking advice. His wife wants for the stepfather to adopt the Dad’s kids, so the Dad doesn’t have to pay child support. And he adds, part of why she is pushing for the adoption is so if anything happens to their Mom, the kids won’t have to live with them. He also says, ”she does not like my kids at all.”

Oh so much could be said about this. Oh so much.

Unbelievable. No wonder stepmothers get a bad rap! Are there actually women in this world who are this conniving, manipulative, and selfish? 

When you marry a guy with kids, he doesn’t stop being a dad because he’s married to you.

Admittedly - sometimes I don’t like my stepkids either - and I think my feelings are common to most stepparents. There are days I adore my stepkids and days I don’t. But we are a stepfamily and we are in this together. And yes, we pay child support and more. And sometimes it’s tough - really tough - and I wonder what I signed up for when I got into this. But I knew up front that he was a Dad, and that would never change. Period.

Chopping the kids out of Dad’s life legally, financially, and emotionally is not a solution to the wife’s insecurities.

Bravo to Lisa of Ask Lisa for Philly Women, for writing back that his wife needs counseling and advice on how to deal with the demands of a bldended family, and suggesting that the Dad spend more time with his kids.

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06.06.07

Difficult Childhoods: Can We Trade in Our Parents?

Posted in Perspectives, Research About Stepfamilies at 11:27 am by Dawn Miller

The Washington Post’s “MyTime” column reported that in a California study, 75% of adults said that they had difficult childhoods. When a support group was asked what they would change about their lives – 20% of them said their parents!

Clearly, a lot of adults carry scars from their upbringing into adulthood. For many, those wounds are healed through new relationships as adults. But not everyone makes it - there are a few people who never recover from a difficult childhood and remain stuck in the muck of a bad past.

These findings serve as a warning to stepfamilies. Strive to do what is best for children, and help them grow up to be competent, and well-adjusted adults.

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04.16.07

Tragedy at Virginia Tech

Posted in News, Perspectives at 10:07 pm by Dawn Miller

Today’s tragedy at Virginia Tech University with 33 people dead and more than 15 wounded, has stunned us all with its senseless brutality and horror. It’s the worst shooting massacre in the history of our country, and this “College Columbine” has left all of us saddened and somber.

For many, college is the first solid flight from and nudge out of the protective parental nest. We send our children off with hope for the future, and we picture a university as a safe place where they encounter new ideas and people. We obsess over finding extra long sheets for the dormitory, stocking up on cooking utensils, and buying the right parking pass.

When we sent my oldest stepson off to college we worried that he might party too much or hate his major. We were so worried about the potential for fire in the rickety apartment he rented on an avenue known for post-game celebrations – that we gave him two smoke alarms, a fire extinguisher, and a rope escape ladder.

As parents, we fret over what we can control, because we don’t want to admit that we are really worried about the factors in our children’s lives that are completely out of our hands. We know that try as we might - we can’t keep them safe.

None of us want to imagine the unthinkable - that a young life filled with promise and potential could be snuffed out in an instant with horrific brutality and violence. For some families today – those nightmares have come true – their children are gone – lost to a madman’s rampage. They deserve our sympathy and support in what will be trying and grief-stricken days to come.

There should be and will be lots of discussion about what happened today in Blacksburg. There have already been timelines and speculation about who knew what when, and accusatory security experts pointing fingers in hindsight, amid a media spotlight. They are discussions that we need to have – and are obligated to have. But it’s ultimately a futile discussion.

All our investigations will never help us really understand the brutality of what happened in Blacksburg today. There’s something unfathomable about it, as we struggle to make sense of what can’t be understood.

We expect for violence to happen in war-torn Iraq, not on a college campus. I worry reflexively far more about the safety of my brother in Baghdad, than I do about my stepson in an off-campus apartment in a college town.

In times like these we need to cling to what’s important in life. After we heard about the shootings this morning at Virginia Tech, we called my stepson at college just to hear his voice and know that he’s ok. Fearful of a copycat incident in the days ahead, his dad asked him to be extra careful while going to class and on campus. He’ll be careful he says, and reassures us that he’s ok.

We wish so many others could have the same conversations with their children. Our thoughts and prayers are with them tonight.

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03.21.07

Families May Not Need Hyphens to Work - But Some Are Special

Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:56 pm by Dawn Miller

In an article in the March 21st Lakeland Ledger called Families Don’t Need Hyphens to Work, family psychologist John Rosemond talks about the nuts and bolts of raising children - and argues that blended families or families with adoptive children don’t need to obsess about special situations or rules.

On the surface - some of his advice makes sense. Yes - the boundaries of good discipline and the basic principles of raising children are the same. And stepparents will applaud his support for putting marriage first as the primary relationship in the home. I’ve written this as well and encouraged blended families to put the kids second.

He thinks that books for stepfamilies and adopted families are not needed and serve only the needs of book publishers. I would dispute that - there’s much advice and help offered in many books for blended families. Blended families are so rarely discussed in our culture today in positive terms - that these books provide a place for us to see ourselves in reflection and help us understand that what we are experiencing as a stepparent is yes, quite normal - and they offer some good advice too.

Rosemond advises a bio-mom seeking advice on how to discpline her daughter, to wait until the child’s stepfather comes home. On the surface, the advice is mildly sexist (forget letting a woman actually make a decision on the spot about her own child - why not emasculate her as a parent just for kicks). It also flies in the face of conventional wisdom about stepfamilies, which says that bio-parents should be the ones who discipline their own children, while stepparents run back up. Over time, I think stepparents can step into disciplinary roles - however, it depends on the family situation.

There is a critical need for blended families to have consistent rules - and both of the adults in the marriage must back up and enforce those rules regularly. Otherwise you end up with a situation where one adult can undercut the other (read a comment from a reader going thru this) - and the other adult feels like he/she is not backed up and all hell is breaking lose. For a general discipline question - marriage partners in blended families should talk ahead of time about what those rules will be and stick to them doggedly - not wait til someone gets home.

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03.20.07

New Column Out - Stepmoms, Finding Our Place at the Table

Posted in Dawn's Life, Perspectives at 11:26 am by Dawn Miller

My new column went out last night and talks about my encounter with a mob of moms at a scrapbook store a few weeks ago - and delves into finding your place as a stepmom within a culture of moms. Read the column here.

I have to admit - I was pretty excited about visiting the scrapbook store for my first “crop” as a new scrapbooker. I took up the hobby after Christmas in the name of adding more balance to my life - i needed a hobby that was not writing, public relations, consulting, career, or dissertation-related. Something that would help me relax. We received a boatload of photos of the kids in their younger years after my husband’s mother passed away - and I wanted to create new albums for them that celebrate their lives. And for my husband too - his ex refuses to share the older photos of the kids with him and is a highly dis-organized person - I think she has spent the last six years “looking for them.” We all know where that boat’s going.  

Armed with tiny treasure trove of photos I trotted off to the scrapbook store for a little R&R at a weekly crop - it’s basically where scrapbookers work on their projects in a “studio” and socialize. Then I met the moms - who weren’t sure how to handle a stepmom - and my little bubble of enthusiasm burst a teeny bit, because I didn’t feel like I was entirely welcome, and I’m not sure they knew what to do with me, either. It was a bit like Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Yet I can’t say that my experience is all that unique - lots of stepmoms have shared similar stories with me - where they enter events designed for and by parents that don’t feel open to their inclusion as part of a community that cares about youth. I think there are a lot of reasons this happens - some of it is that parent-centric groups aren’t used to stepfamilies, some of it is our own discomfort or lack of confidence. But I do think it is absolutely critical for us to be at those meetings and part of those conversations.

My husband nagged me for probably two weeks to write about this. He knows me so well. He knows I would let something like that fester for a long time - and writing will get it out of my system.

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03.01.07

Fairy Tales: Turned Inside Out

Posted in News, Perspectives at 7:51 pm by Dawn Miller

Many a stepmom has lamented the Cinderella stereotype of the wicked stepmother. The Post-Bulletin in Minnesota recently highlighted students who took classic fairy tales and re-wrote them with different points of view. One student re-wrote Rapunzel from the vantage point of the stepmother. Imagine how your ideas about these classic tales could change if you imagined the plot line from the perspective of non-traditional character.

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