05.05.08

Stepfamily Teens Don’t Do As Well in School, Says Study

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 12:47 am by Dawn Miller

A new study by Florida State University researcher Kathryn Harker Tillman found that teens living with half-siblings and step-siblings, may not do as well in school as those living with only full siblings. The study was based on a nationally representative study of more than 11,000 youth in grades 7-12. United Press International reported:

Teens in the most complicated family arrangement of all — those with both half- and step siblings — like the 1968 movie “Yours, Mine and Ours” remade in 2005 — fared better than those who live with only step-siblings or only half-siblings. Tillman theorized that the parents’ decision in these more complicated families to have a biological child together may reflect a stable relationship.

The study, published in the journal Social Science Research, found boys living with half- or step-siblings appear to have the hardest time coping, with average GPAs one-quarter of a letter grade lower than boys who live with only full siblings.

Girls with half- or step-siblings also had lower GPAs than those living with only full siblings, but the difference was much smaller. Boys and girls in these types of families also had more school behavioral problems, such as trouble paying attention, getting homework done and getting along with teachers and other students.

In an FSU news release, Tillman commented and theorized that:

 ”We cannot assume that over time, children will naturally ‘adjust’ to the new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended,” she said. “This research indicates that the effects of new stepsiblings or half siblings may actually become more negative over time or, at the least, remain consistently negative.”

“Lower social and financial investments may signal to children a lack of parental interest and lower expectations for academic achievement and college attendance,” she said. “In turn, youth in stepfamilies may be less likely to get academic assistance when needed, less likely to work for higher grades and more likely to act out at school.”

The study also drew attention from the Super Nanny website. What is truly scary is that in the study - relationships among stepsiblings tended not to improve with time - it should be noted that only 1% of the youth in the study fell into the category of having both step-siblings and half-siblings.

I’m curious to see how long she looked at those relationships - since many of us stepmoms hang our hopes on “things getting better” with time. My experience has been that our lives and my personal relationships with my stepchildren have improved with time, but I also did not bring biological children into my marriage, which eliminated the competition factor.

I would also be curious about how the length of custody arrangements impacted the results - are we talking step-kids rotating households on the weekends, on 60/40, 50/50 or living 100% of the time alongside step-siblings? And how involved is the other parent in the child’s life?

Stepfamilies - I think these results are a call to us to talk about how we can provide more support for children living in stepfamilies and epecially more support for their education and well-being.

Stepmoms out there - what do you think about this study? I welcome your comments to this blog! 

The Orlando Sentinel is also inviting comments about the study on its blog.

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05.04.08

Stepparents added to lawsuit against ABC Primetime for stepfamily story

Posted in News at 10:19 pm by Dawn Miller

America watched in horror in 2006 on ABC Primetime as Kyle Nelson, then a teenager, was beaten by her stepfather and cheered on by her stepmother, in an expose called “Stepfamilies in Crisis.”

The show’s producers did nothing to stop the abuse, and the public outrage about ABC’s failure to protect Kyle, who was a minor at the time, after knowing (and videotaping) the assault on the girl, led to ABC shutting down its user feedback mechanisms for the show on its website and even removing video of the episode. The story even sparked coverage by stately NPR.

In a PR effort to quell the mayhem, ABC had Kyle appear on Good Morning America, to ask the public to not hate her father, say she was alright, and indicate that her family was in counseling.

Last year, we found out Kyle was suing ABC, the Walt Disney Company, and anchor Diane Sawyer for their bungling and failure to protect her from abuse. Now Kyle’s legal guardian, Joseph Nelson, and stepmother, Lynn Nelson, have been added to the lawsuit as well, reports the Adirondack Daily Enterprise. ABC and company have until May 30, 2008 to respond to the lawsuit.

The story raises serious questions about journalist ethics and how minors are treated in an age of reality-TV. Some of Kyle’s relatives have also told journalist blogger Po Bronson about how ABC kept them in the dark about the abuse and what Kyle endured at her stepfather’s home, and said that if they had known about the tape, they would have taken it to the district attorney to try to protect Kyle, then ABC would have lost the ability to air the tape legally - so ABC kept mum. He also wrote earlier about the case and the serious journalist ethics issues it raises.

See TheStepfamilyLife’s previous postings about this story:

• ABC Primetime’s Expose of Stepfamilies: Nets a Lawsuit for Diane Sawyer & Company
• ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink

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03.27.08

More Tips to Help Blended Families

Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:52 pm by Dawn Miller

The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):

Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.

I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.

Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”

Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.

Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”

The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.

If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”

I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.

Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”

Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?

Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.

I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.

The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.

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03.10.08

Stepfamily Scores New Home from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Posted in News at 8:35 am by Dawn Miller

If you watched ABC last night, then you saw the Turner family from Fairmont, West Virginia receive a new luxury house from the popular television show, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” The full episode is posted on the ABC website for viewing if you missed it.

Mom and dad in the family are Angie and Richard Turner, who married in 2003 to form a blended family with a brood of four - including Angie’s daughter Theresa and sons Tyron and Desmond, as well as Richard’s daughter Layton. Richard’s cousin Michael also moved in with the family. The parents work in the commuity with local youth coaching basketball, football and cheerleading. They would like to one day open up their own business to help the mentally challenged. 

In late November 2007, the family was surprised by Ty Pennington and the gang from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Their former home was less than 600 square feet and rotting. With little sleeping space for everyone in their old home, the girls had to share a bed, while the boys slept on the floor. The floors were unstable and the kitchen cabinets were falling off. It was the smallest home ever encountered by the team from ABC Home Makeover.

Reality TV magazine commented: Angie was sweet as she said she was blessed by the size of the home because the family had gotten a chance to become closer as a result of the limited space and that no one in the family ever complained.

A new home was built in a week for the family, with the network broadcast running last night.

Unfortunately, their newfound celebrity has also netted them some unfortunate tongue-wagging and rumor-mongering. The Charleston Daily Mail reported that:

Hosts at three radio stations, without calling the Turners to confirm, announced one morning that their yellow house was for sale.

It was a misunderstanding, the unfortunate result of a promotional ad the builder had placed in a real estate magazine. But outraged callers began to unload, and around 7:30 a.m., the Turners’ phones began to ring.

“Either somebody’s dead or there’s something in the paper,'’ Angie told Richard.

“We laughed at all the other rumors, but this was hurtful,'’ she recalls.

After a quick prayer, she called one of the stations.

“I told them we would never sell the house, that our integrity and character would never allow us to do that. I told them my dad had given me this land and this house, and we planned to hand it down to our kids,'’ she says. “We wouldn’t even sell that little house we had because of the land.'’

Even with all of the hoopla, the Turners are overjoyed to be in their new home. I love this show because it reminds me of the ten years I spent with a Habitat for Humanity affiliate - and the looks on the people’s faces when we dedicated their new home. Granted, a house by Habitat for Humanity is by no means the luxurious McMansion Extreme Makeover: Home Edition provides - but the joy and tears of home ownership are as real.

The State Journal’s look inside their new home. And a peek at the viewing party.

Reality TV magazine’s story on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Turner Family

Congratulations to the Turner Family. We wish you many years of happiness in your new home.

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03.01.08

Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller

The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate - but with careful steps - we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.

The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.

“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.

“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”

Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.

Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:

“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.

“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”

I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing - that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.

And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:

“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”

So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.

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02.21.08

ABC Primetime’s Expose of Stepfamilies: Nets a Lawsuit for Diane Sawyer & Company

Posted in Dawn's Writing, News at 7:28 am by Dawn Miller

In 2006, ABC Primetime viewers watching a “Stepfamilies in Crisis” expose, were horrified to see Kyle Nelson, then 15, being assaulted and screamed at by her father and stepmother. One of the most heart-rending scenes showed preschool-aged stepsiblings praying loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sounds of profanity and abuse being heaped on Kyle. I even wrote about it in my column.

The Associated Press reports today that Kyle, now 20 years old, is suing ABC News, its parent corporation (the Walt Disney Company), popular news anchor Diane Sawyer, ABC President Dave Weston, producer David Sloan, and three psychologists associated with the episode. According to the Associated Press:

Attorney Matthew Norfolk, who filed the suit on Nelson’s behalf, said the young woman suffers lasting effects from the abuse and ABC’s airing of it….The lawsuit seeks punitive damages; a permanent injunction against ABC showing the film of the abuse again; and a judgment compelling ABC to fulfill its promises to provide the woman with counseling, Norfolk said. “We maintain that a situation of continual, ongoing child abuse could have been stopped by ABC,” Norfolk told the Plattsburgh Press-Republican. 

The lawsuit requests damages on eight claims relating to the “Primetime” segment, including failure to rescue the girl; promotion of a hostile, hazardous, unsafe and abusive atmosphere; invasion of privacy; failure to report abuse; and publication of the girl’s condition and mental-health status.

The abuse was captured within hundreds of hours of footage filmed by ABC (with permission from the adults in the family) at the family’s home. By the time the special aired, Kyle had moved out of the house and in with her grandparents. 

She moved out of her own volition - not because ABC had reported the abuse to child protection authorities - ABC was way too busy raking in advertising revenue to worry about a teenage girl’s pain and ongoing abuse. By the time the special aired, it was too late for prosecutors to bring abuse charges, as the statute of limitations prevented prosecution of the abuse Kyle had suffered when it was filmed four years later.

After the story aired, ABC’s website was so deluged with thousands of viewer comments and outrage that the network actually had to shut down its viewer comment feature. Many of them called for correspondent Diane Sawyer’s resignation, and it provoked some ethical hand-wringing within the journalism community - where even defenders of Diane Sawyer said they thought she screwed up. After hearing from Kyle Nelson’s family how truly in the dark ABC tried to keep them about the existence of the videotape showing the abuse, even Sawyer’s defenders were ready to point a finger in judgment. ABC execs knew - if they shared the tape with a counselor who was a mandatory child abuse reporter or a family member who shared it with a district attorney - they would lose access to the tape. Their great expose would have been up in smoke, if they had done the right thing.

Meanwhile, a tender and abused teenage girl was dragged into the public eye. Kyle Nelson had to issue a statement asking ABC viewers to not attack her father and even appeared on Good Morning America to let viewers know she was OK. ABC even issued a statement with her teen’s comments to try to quell the hubbub. CNN even had to cover the fuss.

At the time, ABC said it was providing counseling for the entire family, Kyle’s lawsuit alleges that ABC did not fulfill this promise to her. The girl stopped attending counseling because her therapist shared information with her stepmother repeatedly.

Let’s hope Kyle Nelson gets justice for her exploitation by ABC Primetime, and that the people who bungled this will be held accountable.

Additional news stories:

• Elizabethtown Woman Sues ABC News - WPTZ, February 21, 2008
• Reality-Like TV Show Results in Lawsuit, Placid Woman Beaten as Cameras Roll - The Press Republican, February 20, 2008
• ABC News Transcript from Good Morning America - ABC, April 25, 2006
• Calls for Sawyer to Resign after Teen Beating Report - Fox News, April 24, 2006
• ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink - TheStepfamilyLife, April 24, 2006

Bloggers chiming in:

• Well, it appears this isn’t over, February 20, 2008 - ABC is messing with my sanity blog
• Save Diane Sawyer’s Job and Kyle’s Family Speaks - When a Journalist Should Intervene Part 2 - Po Bonson’s Blog
• Viewer comments about the original episode (not an ABC website)

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02.20.08

Blended Military Family Gets Home Rehabbed

Posted in News at 5:43 am by Dawn Miller

When National Guard Sgt. Jonathan VanderWert went to Iraq in August, he left behind his wife, Blake, and a blended family with 7 children. They were living in a 120-year-old fixer-upper house in Minnesota bought to hold their large family.

But VanderWert’s deployment to Iraq left their rehab efforts in tatters. Walls were unfinished, only one toilet worked, and the kitchen was cold and in need of serious repair.

The Heroes at Home program stepped in, and spent 3 months remodeling the VanderWert family’s house. Blake and some of the kids stayed rent-free in a nearby house owned by a funeral home, and the rest of the kids stayed with VanderWert’s ex-wife. 

With the problems fixed and the kitchen in much better shape (not to mention warm), the family came home this week. The community contributed money to re-furnish the home for them. Read more about it in the Star-Tribune and Minnesota Public Radio.

Bravo to Heroes at Home for their work helping this military stepfamily!

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02.18.08

It’s Not Just Stepmoms: New Stepdad Study Confirms Rocky Role Adjustments

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies at 8:58 am by Dawn Miller

A new British study of stepdads confirms that they often have a difficult time adjusting to their roles, and face conflict, especially with teenage boys. In a story on MS-NBC in south Florida, the struggles of stepdad John Vanek in San Jose with 13-year-old Ian are detailed. Initially thrilled with their decision to wed, Ian races to hig John - but months later the battles for authority and control began - with Ian testing John. It’s a story familiar to many stepfamilies.

The researchers had some interesting things to say:

While stepparents of either gender tend to be aloof, stepdads are more likely than stepmoms to fight with teenage children, especially if the child is a boy, says Erini Flouri, lead author of the study and a researcher at the Institute of Education at the University of London. Stepdads were more likely than biological fathers to see their stepteens as hyperactive or badly behaved, the researchers found.

Experts cited in the article also confirmed the importance of the bio-parent and stepparent being on the same page when it comes to discipline.

Child development experts say that teens often do behave worse for a stepdad than for a biological dad. If kids sense that their mother isn’t going to give unqualified support to the stepdad in an argument, they are more likely to resist efforts at discipline.

There are so many dynamics in a stepfamily. It’s great to see some research being done about stepfathers, as there is very little information available . A case in point - I have a few links for stepdads and books listed on my site. If you know about new links for stepdads, please drop me a note or post a comment.

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12.14.07

Blended Family Holiday Blues: Media Offer Tips & Advice

Posted in News at 7:20 am by Dawn Miller

The news media are providing more coverage this year of stepfamilies and their holiday juggling acts.  It’s still not nearly enough to help the millions out there dealing with blended family issues over the holidays, but here’s a few articles with advice and tips:

• Blending traditions not so easy -  Edmond Sun (Oklahoma), December 13, 2007
• Stressed stepfamilies during the holidays - KSFY (South Dakota), December 13, 2007
• Ask the therapist: How can I make the holidays happy for a new stepfamily? - Westport Minuteman (Connecticut), November 30, 2007
• Blended family holidays don’t have to be difficult - Garden City Telegram (New Jersey), November 27, 2007

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11.20.07

Blended Family Plans “Operation Defending the Holidays”

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 7:57 pm by Dawn Miller

The Mahopac family is collecting oreos, socks, packaged drinks and other items to mail to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq. Initially the family started mailing care packages to Luke Rathschmidt, a 21-year-old soldier and family member who is stationed in Baghdad.

Luke pointed out to his 8 “blended” brothers and sisters that many of the troops don’t have anyone to send things to them - much less a huge supportive blended family. And “Operation Defending the Holidays” was born.

The family is collecting items through donation boxes in three towns and is also working with two VFW posts. They live in New York state.

Read more about their efforts.

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