02.21.08
Posted in Dawn's Writing, News at 7:28 am by Dawn Miller
In 2006, ABC Primetime viewers watching a “Stepfamilies in Crisis” expose, were horrified to see Kyle Nelson, then 15, being assaulted and screamed at by her father and stepmother. One of the most heart-rending scenes showed preschool-aged stepsiblings praying loudly at the dinner table to drown out the sounds of profanity and abuse being heaped on Kyle. I even wrote about it in my column.
The Associated Press reports today that Kyle, now 20 years old, is suing ABC News, its parent corporation (the Walt Disney Company), popular news anchor Diane Sawyer, ABC President Dave Weston, producer David Sloan, and three psychologists associated with the episode. According to the Associated Press:
Attorney Matthew Norfolk, who filed the suit on Nelson’s behalf, said the young woman suffers lasting effects from the abuse and ABC’s airing of it….The lawsuit seeks punitive damages; a permanent injunction against ABC showing the film of the abuse again; and a judgment compelling ABC to fulfill its promises to provide the woman with counseling, Norfolk said. “We maintain that a situation of continual, ongoing child abuse could have been stopped by ABC,” Norfolk told the Plattsburgh Press-Republican.
The lawsuit requests damages on eight claims relating to the “Primetime” segment, including failure to rescue the girl; promotion of a hostile, hazardous, unsafe and abusive atmosphere; invasion of privacy; failure to report abuse; and publication of the girl’s condition and mental-health status.
The abuse was captured within hundreds of hours of footage filmed by ABC (with permission from the adults in the family) at the family’s home. By the time the special aired, Kyle had moved out of the house and in with her grandparents.
She moved out of her own volition - not because ABC had reported the abuse to child protection authorities – ABC was way too busy raking in advertising revenue to worry about a teenage girl’s pain and ongoing abuse. By the time the special aired, it was too late for prosecutors to bring abuse charges, as the statute of limitations prevented prosecution of the abuse Kyle had suffered when it was filmed four years later.
After the story aired, ABC’s website was so deluged with thousands of viewer comments and outrage that the network actually had to shut down its viewer comment feature. Many of them called for correspondent Diane Sawyer’s resignation, and it provoked some ethical hand-wringing within the journalism community – where even defenders of Diane Sawyer said they thought she screwed up. After hearing from Kyle Nelson’s family how truly in the dark ABC tried to keep them about the existence of the videotape showing the abuse, even Sawyer’s defenders were ready to point a finger in judgment. ABC execs knew – if they shared the tape with a counselor who was a mandatory child abuse reporter or a family member who shared it with a district attorney – they would lose access to the tape. Their great expose would have been up in smoke, if they had done the right thing.
Meanwhile, a tender and abused teenage girl was dragged into the public eye. Kyle Nelson had to issue a statement asking ABC viewers to not attack her father and even appeared on Good Morning America to let viewers know she was OK. ABC even issued a statement with her teen’s comments to try to quell the hubbub. CNN even had to cover the fuss.
At the time, ABC said it was providing counseling for the entire family, Kyle’s lawsuit alleges that ABC did not fulfill this promise to her. The girl stopped attending counseling because her therapist shared information with her stepmother repeatedly.
Let’s hope Kyle Nelson gets justice for her exploitation by ABC Primetime, and that the people who bungled this will be held accountable.
Additional news stories:
- Elizabethtown Woman Sues ABC News – WPTZ, February 21, 2008
- Reality-Like TV Show Results in Lawsuit, Placid Woman Beaten as Cameras Roll - The Press Republican, February 20, 2008
- ABC News Transcript from Good Morning America – ABC, April 25, 2006
- Calls for Sawyer to Resign after Teen Beating Report – Fox News, April 24, 2006
- ABC Primetime Exposes Stepfamilies on the Brink – TheStepfamilyLife, April 24, 2006
Bloggers chiming in:
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06.15.07
Posted in Dawn's Writing, Kids Today at 12:20 pm by Dawn Miller
I’ve got a new column out (as of last night) discussing the value of volunteering amid a world obsessed with pop-celebrity and triviality. Here’s my crack at it:
Service to the community can help draw your family together, help kids understand how their choices and actions impact others, and strengthen community linkages. But how do you pry today’s kids away from the TV screen or computer and develop an ethic of service?
I didn’t marry into a mob of revolutionary idealists. My three stepkids were hard-core suburbanites with a touch of sass. Their lives revolved around their friends, an over-the-top devotion to all things pop culture (think E, IM and Paris Hilton 24-7), and the social ups and downs of their daily lives. In other words – they were pretty typical.
I was a young and naïve stepmom who’d spent the last ten years as a volunteer and consultant to do-good-causes. So how do you jolt a bunch of teens out of the lethargic embrace of the living room sofa and into action?
Ask them to help and make it easy for them to do it. A few years ago, I needed to attach about 5,000 blue and white ribbons to pins and cards to distribute for Child Abuse Prevention Month. I explained the project to the kids over dinner and asked them to help.
When they came home from school for a week, the ribbons were conveniently parked in front of the TV. Ergo – watch TV, start pinning. A bunch of ladies at our church helped out too, and we had the whole thing finished lickity-split.
Save some money year-round for a project that you do together as a family. Each year at Christmas time our church collects shoeboxes loaded with gifts for needy children around the world and distributes them through the Samaritan’s Purse. We save loose change in a jar and use it to fund shoebox gifts for needy kids.
The jar isn’t in an obvious spot, but we refer to it from time to time and add to it all year. I think repeating the same project for a few years now, has also helped us get more out of it, rather than having a one-shot volunteer moment buried within a jam-packed schedule.
Don’t make service a chore. Let them make choices. Seek out kid-friendly volunteer opportunities with local charities, and do things that really make a difference for real people. Find things you can do together as a family like a trail clean-up or making decorations to take to a nursing home.
Try to give your child options and choices within a service project, especially if they are in their teens. When we pack the shoebox gifts, my stepdaughter picks out some of the items and goes with us to drop them off. Seeing our boxes go into a giant van with all of the others is pretty gratifying, and lets us see that what we are doing is part of something much bigger.
Count on the experience to make the impact. Don’t get preachy. One thing about our shoebox project that we like, is that our kids get to see that lots of kids in the world aren’t as well off as they are.
Doing the project together lets us talk about money and giving in front of the kids, and lets their oh-so-consumer-conscious wheels spin a little bit. I can’t say it’s made them less materialistic, but I do think it’s made them more aware of what they have.
Encourage kids to reflect on a service experience. Expressing your own feelings about service, and asking children to share their feelings about service (both good and bad), has an impact in the long run because it encourages reflection. During the holidays, we’ll insert into our family prayer at dinner time, a mention of the shoebox gifts and their recipients.
Even if you get a few eye-rolls, remember that service has a positive impact on kids. Kids involved in service to the community get better grades, have better attitudes toward school, and relate better to others. They’re also more likely to consider how they can change society, want to understand how government works, and see a connection between politics and morality. Service is an expression of who we are and who we hope to become. Consider how you can involve your family in giving back today.
Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com. Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription.
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06.05.07
Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 8:06 pm by Dawn Miller
I’ve got a new column out about my efforts to lose weight and get in shape. Here it is:
If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and wondered how did I let the weight get to this point? How did I let my health become an afterthought? What can I do now to get myself out of this mess? Then you know where I am right now.
As I looked at my pudgy out-of-shape body in the mirror, I wondered how I had allowed my weight to creep so high. I was at the heaviest point in my 36-year-old life – with a body mass index qualifying me as obese. My older thinner clothes ended up in a tidy box – set aside for “someday” when I got around to losing weight.
I had rationalized stress eating with the demands of a blended family, career, and (like everyone else) my all-around busy life. In a catty moment, I figured hey, I was still skinnier than my husband’s ex-wife (not by much). Now here I was – heavy, out-of-shape, and unhappy about it. So here’s what I’ve done to start my diet:
Ease into better eating. Five weeks ago, I began gradually changing my eating habits. It was small steps at first – a declined extra helping, more water all the time, a switch to fruit for snacks, and the occasional walk around the block to clear my head. At business lunches with dessert, I still ate a little dessert and even rolls. Unlike my previous yo-yo diets, I didn’t feel deprived or like I was giving up anything. I lost 9 pounds in five weeks without making any major changes.
Reflect on your eating habits and why you ate what you ate. I’m a sugar addict and have quite a sweet tooth. Bad habits and stress eating did it. There were days working in downtown Washington where I would eat a bagel with cheese for breakfast, a greasy lunch with fries, and have two large whole milk lattes with flavor shots – imagine all those extra calories (not to mention the expense)! And then I’d get home exhausted from an hour and a half commute to eat a big dinner.
Start moving and get some exercise in a positive atmosphere. My fitness level was so bad, that just walking a mile and a half winded me. I was mortified to realize how bad I had let things slide. At a charity auction, I bought a cheap month-long membership for a lush women-only gym. I expected to see stick-thin Stepford Wives perched on the treadmills sneering down at me the first time I lumbered in – but instead found women of all sizes at all sorts of fitness levels. There was no judgment. Just encouragement.
Take it to a new level. And then it got more serious than just how I felt about myself and the box of clothes I can’t wear. During my last visit, my ob/gyn told me that I need to lose weight before we go to the fertility clinic for in-vitro fertilization. She ran through a long litany of potential problems if I get pregnant carrying extra weight – like gestational diabetes, stillbirth, and complications that could endanger my health and our child.
The doctor’s words gave me a new surge of motivation and she put me on a high protein and low-carb diet. So now the game is on and the diet is moving up a notch. When my month at the fitness palace ends, I’ll switch to the freebie gym that’s part of our homeowner’s association benefits. Look out weight – you’re coming off!
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05.31.07
Posted in Dawn's Writing at 7:25 pm by Dawn Miller
My new column about the HBO hit series, “Big Love,” is out. Check it out online with a YouTube clip or read below:
Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy
HBO’s hit show, “Big Love,” a tale about the Henricksons, a perfectly average middle class suburban family consisting of a Dad, three wives, and seven kids returns June 11th – and I can’t wait.
Perhaps it’s because as a stepmom in a blended family, I see mirrored in the jealousies, feelings, and interactions on the show, some of the situations that emerge in my stepfamily that aren’t addressed in other places.
Even if you are not a polygamist, marriage is for so many of us – a package deal. When I married my husband – I didn’t marry just him. I also got 3 kids and one ex-wife. She is like a satellite in orbit tethered to our marriage. Her choice of words to the kids, financial decisions, and career pursuits affect us.
And I’m not the only one with a bio-mom inhabiting my universe. Thirteen million women in the United States today are stepmothers, and 92% of them do not have sole custody of their stepchildren. Shared custody means that stepmoms are influenced by and must interact with bio-moms in many ways. Small wonder “Big Love” resonates so deeply.
When Barb wanted to take a teaching job and her sister wives, Nicki and Margene, complained that she was offloading work and counting on them to pick up the slack – I could relate. I could see the knowing nods of a thousand stepmoms stuck with carpool duty, birthday party chauffeuring, and soccer practice because the bio-mom took a new job and dumped the schedule on her after the fact.
What one of us does, affects the rest. Like it or not – we are stuck with each other – forever – because of the kids.
Our values influence how we raise our children, but just because we are different in approaches doesn’t mean our kids are worse for it. So often in stepfamilies, we find that our core values influence how we structure our households and that our two homes don’t entirely agree. In my home, things will never be spic-and-span, but it will never be as carefree as my husband’s ex-wife’s home – hopefully the kids will in adulthood end up somewhere in the middle between clean and complete pig-sty.
Even among the three wives on the show, there is dispute over the core values that guide their lives. Nicki was so scandalized when she caught Margene smoking a cigarette in front of one of the kids, that she reprimanded her for spreading bad values to the kids. And she neglected to realize that by revealing her own secret, Margene lured Teeny into revealing one of her own.
As much as we may not like our differences at times in blended families, on many issues, our children are better for getting more than one perspective.
Raising children really does take a village. The reality is that our children are influenced by a variety of care-givers and influencers. No matter how good a parent is, he or she cannot spot everything going on with a child. Teachers, coaches, family friends and so many other people affect our children and the people they become.
When teenager Ben and his girlfriend Brynn made up after school and started making out, they were caught by Nicki and Margene on pick-up patrol, not his mom and dad. And it’s Margene, the ditzy third wife with a heart of gold, who reminds Ben how lucky he was to be taught that sex is sacred and virginity should not be given away easily. Even strait-edged Nicki notes that it really does take a village to raise children, and no one can do it alone.
For a show about a practice most Americans find utterly distasteful, “Big Love” explores what binds non-traditional families together in a way few television shows do.
Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com.
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05.23.07
Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 1:01 pm by Dawn Miller
My new column talks about stepfamily finances, and I’ve already started receiving email about it. This is a hot-button issue for many stepfamilies, who often find themselves financially linked to an ex-spouse, and facing money challenges.
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05.09.07
Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 10:47 pm by Dawn Miller
I’ve got a new column out on hitting the jell-o phase as a family. Thank goodness, we’re jiggly. I hope you are too.
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05.02.07
Posted in Dawn's Writing, News at 4:04 pm by Dawn Miller
I’ve got a new column out about Alec Baldwin’s notorious phone call to his daughter and parental alienation. You can even watch his appearance with Rosie O’Donnell and Barbara Walters, courtesy of YouTube. Post your comments using the comment link on this post.
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04.21.07
Posted in BlogWeb Notes, Dawn's Writing at 12:06 am by Dawn Miller
Thanks to my darling hubby aka “The Reason” (as in he’s the reason why I’m a stepmom), TheStepfamilyLife.com has a brand new look on its main home page. Stop by and check out our new streamlined look. You can even compare the new page with the old one before “The Reason” started messing with it.
It was a tough job. There were hundreds of files loaded with rotten html code to deal with when we started the re-design process. And I was not the most cooperative client. While I wanted a more professional-looking site that better serves the needs of stepfamilies - I had managed the site without his graphic expertise for four years – and I was not keen on switching software and messing up the navigational structure. And I still grouse a bit about the advertising – but, hey, even a diva like me has to pay the bills. I soon saw the benefits of the new structure, and definitely like the improved look.
We will be integrating the new look throughout the website over the next couple of weeks. Be patient, as you’ll see our new duds and widgets roll out in phases, and there may be additional tweaking in store for our graphics. If you’ve got comments about the new look or suggestions for our site, leave us a comment.
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03.12.07
Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 5:20 pm by Dawn Miller
I’ve got a new column out today offering advice we gleaned from navigating the puzzling world of infertility treatment options and our decision to schedule a vasectomy reversal last year for my husband.
One thing I didn’t mention in this column is our age difference. My husband is 13 years older than I am. Assuming I get pregnant sometime this year – by the time our child is graduating from high school, my husband will be in his late 60s. We like to joke that he’ll be hobbling in on his cane at the graduation. But truth be told – he doesn’t look his age and has a lot of energy. I’m already envisioning a mega-birthday bash for his 50th later this year. After all – the half century mark in one’s life should be noted in grand style. I’m thinking balloons, music, all the relatives, no ex-wife, and hopefully a pregnant me waddling around.
My stepkids are excited about the idea of us having a child together – and ask about it from time to time – they seem to be worried that we might have given up or forgotten the whole notion. Nope – we haven’t forgotten – it just takes time and yes, we are working on it – but we just leave it at that for now. Discussing the intricacies of basil temperature readings, ovulation charts, and peak fertilization times with them would be oh-so uncomfortably weird. Nope, no thanks, we’ll keep our cycle-tracking and deployment schedule to ourselves. It’s way more fun that way.
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03.09.07
Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 6:23 pm by Dawn Miller
I have a new column out about our decision to have an “ours” baby. I’m glad that this was my first column after a long hiatus from writing. For three years I wrote bi-weekly columns on TheStepfamilyLife.com about my life as a stepmom.
But then my life got so crazy last year. I was working a very demanding job with a lot of stress and a horrible commute, writing other stuff on deadline (but not stepfamily stuff), and managing our business on the side. Not to mention juggling the needs of our family. When things got crazy column-writing was jettisoned. A few of my readers wondered if I got run over by a bus.
Each time I skipped another week, I obsessively re-arranged the publishing schedule in my palm pilot. I kept promising myself I would get back to it and pick it up again. But time went by – and my silence lasted a long time – more than six months actually. And all that time I felt like something was really missing from my life.
And then something changed. I decided I needed more balance in my life. Our business is doing well – really well. So I quit my high-stress job three blocks from the White House. Bye bye – stress, managing personnel, pantyhose, and office politics. My goodbye lunch at the office was last week, and I was definitely the happiest person in attendance, save my husband, who was overjoyed to see me chuck the rat race.
Now every morning I wake up – open the window in my little office to let the sun shine in – make some coffee and start my day. And it feels fantastic.
I’m back – and on a regular writing schedule. A new column will be out this coming Monday.
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