05.05.08

Stepfamily Teens Don’t Do As Well in School, Says Study

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 12:47 am by Dawn Miller

A new study by Florida State University researcher Kathryn Harker Tillman found that teens living with half-siblings and step-siblings, may not do as well in school as those living with only full siblings. The study was based on a nationally representative study of more than 11,000 youth in grades 7-12. United Press International reported:

Teens in the most complicated family arrangement of all — those with both half- and step siblings — like the 1968 movie “Yours, Mine and Ours” remade in 2005 — fared better than those who live with only step-siblings or only half-siblings. Tillman theorized that the parents’ decision in these more complicated families to have a biological child together may reflect a stable relationship.

The study, published in the journal Social Science Research, found boys living with half- or step-siblings appear to have the hardest time coping, with average GPAs one-quarter of a letter grade lower than boys who live with only full siblings.

Girls with half- or step-siblings also had lower GPAs than those living with only full siblings, but the difference was much smaller. Boys and girls in these types of families also had more school behavioral problems, such as trouble paying attention, getting homework done and getting along with teachers and other students.

In an FSU news release, Tillman commented and theorized that:

 ”We cannot assume that over time, children will naturally ‘adjust’ to the new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended,” she said. “This research indicates that the effects of new stepsiblings or half siblings may actually become more negative over time or, at the least, remain consistently negative.”

“Lower social and financial investments may signal to children a lack of parental interest and lower expectations for academic achievement and college attendance,” she said. “In turn, youth in stepfamilies may be less likely to get academic assistance when needed, less likely to work for higher grades and more likely to act out at school.”

The study also drew attention from the Super Nanny website. What is truly scary is that in the study - relationships among stepsiblings tended not to improve with time - it should be noted that only 1% of the youth in the study fell into the category of having both step-siblings and half-siblings.

I’m curious to see how long she looked at those relationships - since many of us stepmoms hang our hopes on “things getting better” with time. My experience has been that our lives and my personal relationships with my stepchildren have improved with time, but I also did not bring biological children into my marriage, which eliminated the competition factor.

I would also be curious about how the length of custody arrangements impacted the results - are we talking step-kids rotating households on the weekends, on 60/40, 50/50 or living 100% of the time alongside step-siblings? And how involved is the other parent in the child’s life?

Stepfamilies - I think these results are a call to us to talk about how we can provide more support for children living in stepfamilies and epecially more support for their education and well-being.

Stepmoms out there - what do you think about this study? I welcome your comments to this blog! 

The Orlando Sentinel is also inviting comments about the study on its blog.

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07.24.07

Keeping in Touch With Kids Across the Miles

Posted in Dawn's Life, Kids Today at 7:58 am by Dawn Miller

I’m traveling for two weeks several states away from my family doing work for clients, so this article about keeping in touch with kids across the miles resonated with me.

You can plan imaginary trips, grow a garden together (yet apart), go nature sleuthing, or read a book together. There are some good ideas to encourage fun activities you can discuss long-distance, and many of the activities support educational growth and development. Many of the activities can be done by mail or e-mail.

I’m having a productive trip and also visiting my parents, but I’m glad that I’ll be home on Saturday. My husband stayed home to run our business and has enjoyed spending some extra time with his kids while I’ve been gone.

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07.03.07

Wired Kids: Tech-Saturation with Safety in Mind

Posted in Kids Today at 1:20 am by Dawn Miller

Watching my stepkids text message on their cell phones, and knowing how long it takes me to peck out a message - I know that even though I’m a tech enthusiast - they are tech-saturated. And so are their friends.

Kids are using electronic devices at earlier ages. A new marketing research study found that the age children start interacting with electronics dropped from 8.1 years of age in 2005 to 6.7 years of age in 2007.

Our kids live in a wired world, and they need to learn how to make wise decisions about technology. Talk to your kids about how to use electronics and the Internet with safety in mind, and get informed about the technology yourself.

There’s a lot of great information available online from NetSmartz, they have online games for kids, information for teens, and advice for parents. 

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06.15.07

Huffington Post: Resisting the Urge To Diss Your Ex When Your Kids Visit on Father’s Day

Posted in Kids Today at 12:48 pm by Dawn Miller

There was a great post yesterday by Jill Brooke on Huffington Post about Resisting the Urge To Diss Your Ex When Your Kids Visit on Father’s Day. Brooke discusses how tempting it is to trash the ex-husband in front of your child, how hard it can be to handle your personal pain after a divorce, and how damaging badmouthing the other parent can be to your child’s self-concept.

She shares a great poem (from Jeannette Lofas with the Stepfamily Foundation) that illustrates the point:

My Mom says my Dad’s no good.

My Dad says my Mom’s no good,

I guess I must be no good.

So watch what you say in front of your kids. Count to 10, 20, and even 30 if you have to.

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New Column: Teaching Our Kids the Value of Volunteering

Posted in Dawn's Writing, Kids Today at 12:20 pm by Dawn Miller

I’ve got a new column out (as of last night) discussing the value of volunteering amid a world obsessed with pop-celebrity and triviality. Here’s my crack at it:

Service to the community can help draw your family together, help kids understand how their choices and actions impact others, and strengthen community linkages. But how do you pry today’s kids away from the TV screen or computer and develop an ethic of service?

I didn’t marry into a mob of revolutionary idealists. My three stepkids were hard-core suburbanites with a touch of sass. Their lives revolved around their friends, an over-the-top devotion to all things pop culture (think E, IM and Paris Hilton 24-7), and the social ups and downs of their daily lives. In other words – they were pretty typical.

I was a young and naïve stepmom who’d spent the last ten years as a volunteer and consultant to do-good-causes. So how do you jolt a bunch of teens out of the lethargic embrace of the living room sofa and into action?

Ask them to help and make it easy for them to do it. A few years ago, I needed to attach about 5,000 blue and white ribbons to pins and cards to distribute for Child Abuse Prevention Month. I explained the project to the kids over dinner and asked them to help.

When they came home from school for a week, the ribbons were conveniently parked in front of the TV. Ergo – watch TV, start pinning. A bunch of ladies at our church helped out too, and we had the whole thing finished lickity-split.

Save some money year-round for a project that you do together as a family. Each year at Christmas time our church collects shoeboxes loaded with gifts for needy children around the world and distributes them through the Samaritan’s Purse. We save loose change in a jar and use it to fund shoebox gifts for needy kids.

The jar isn’t in an obvious spot, but we refer to it from time to time and add to it all year. I think repeating the same project for a few years now, has also helped us get more out of it, rather than having a one-shot volunteer moment buried within a jam-packed schedule.

Don’t make service a chore. Let them make choices. Seek out kid-friendly volunteer opportunities with local charities, and do things that really make a difference for real people. Find things you can do together as a family like a trail clean-up or making decorations to take to a nursing home.

Try to give your child options and choices within a service project, especially if they are in their teens. When we pack the shoebox gifts, my stepdaughter picks out some of the items and goes with us to drop them off. Seeing our boxes go into a giant van with all of the others is pretty gratifying, and lets us see that what we are doing is part of something much bigger.

Count on the experience to make the impact. Don’t get preachy. One thing about our shoebox project that we like, is that our kids get to see that lots of kids in the world aren’t as well off as they are.

Doing the project together lets us talk about money and giving in front of the kids, and lets their oh-so-consumer-conscious wheels spin a little bit. I can’t say it’s made them less materialistic, but I do think it’s made them more aware of what they have.

Encourage kids to reflect on a service experience. Expressing your own feelings about service, and asking children to share their feelings about service (both good and bad), has an impact in the long run because it encourages reflection. During the holidays, we’ll insert into our family prayer at dinner time, a mention of the shoebox gifts and their recipients.

Even if you get a few eye-rolls, remember that service has a positive impact on kids. Kids involved in service to the community get better grades, have better attitudes toward school, and relate better to others. They’re also more likely to consider how they can change society, want to understand how government works, and see a connection between politics and morality. Service is an expression of who we are and who we hope to become. Consider how you can involve your family in giving back today.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com.  Sign up to get columns delivered to your email in-box every week, or modify your subscription.

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06.14.07

Stepfathers and Non-resident Dads Can Have Powerful & Positive Effect on Children

Posted in Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 7:32 am by Dawn Miller

New research from Penn State University shows that stepfathers and non-resident Dads can have a powerful and positive effect on children.

According to researcher Valarie King, it boils down to the quality of the relationship. The amount of time spent with a child, was not nearly as important as the quality of the relationship with the child. Researchers found that the closer the father-child relationship, the better the child was doing.

King’s research looked at adolescence and how the father-child relationship affected health, behavior, grades and delinquency. 

Although some previous research had found that the stepparent-stepchild relationship could be difficult and that stepfathers may not positively influence stepchild well-being - King’s research found that a close relationship between a stepfather and his stepchildren could be very positive for the children and their development. She also found that stepchildren could have positive relationships with stepmothers too.

Conflict between parents was also detrimental to a child’s positive growth and development, and King suggested that children might be better off with only one parent in their lives if the relationship between the two parents remains hostile and disruptive to the child.

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06.12.07

Yours, Mine & Ours: Can One Kid Sabotage a Couple?

Posted in News, Kids Today at 9:15 am by Dawn Miller

Entertaining story in the Globe & Mail about a common blended family dilemma - can the ire and animosity of one fickle child capsize a fledgling romantic relationship for Mom?

You betcha. A therapist and stepfamily expert offer helpful advice to our aspiring blended family, but says there’s hope that everyone will learn to get along:

“There is a reason that second marriages have a high rate of failure,” she says, “and that certainly can be because of kids.” Indeed, the situation with Cindy has set this relationship close to the breaking point. Boyfriend says that “it was a tough call for a while” when the problem started, as he increasing felt “not welcome in the family.”

“Remembering that it takes between two and five years for a blended family to gel can help couples stay balanced,” says Ms. Stephens. She also recommends “lowering your expectations that you’ll have a happily ever after family with a yours, mine and ours chemical formula.”

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