06.03.08

Father’s Day: Remember the Stepdads

Posted in News, Perspectives at 10:35 am by Dawn Miller

Stepdads get a bad rap - and their contributions to raising children are often not noticed or appreciated. The Council on Contemporary Families issued a press release calling on Americans to acknowledge the contributions made by stepfathers to raising children.

Perhaps one of the biggest fears that crop up when a new stepfamily forms and a stepparent is introduced - is how will children react? Will the kids be forced to choose between Dad and Stepdad? The reality is that children need the presence of many caring adults in their lives. The Council on Contemporary Families says:

For kids, loving both Dad and Stepdad is not an either/or issue: Children, especially adolescents, benefit from having close relationships with both their stepfather and their father. Right now this happens about 25 percent of the time. 35 percent of the time, youth have a close relationship with their stepfather rather than their father– and 16 percent of the time it is the other way around. Sadly, 25 percent of the time, teens in stepfamilies have neither a close relationship with their stepfather or father. Supporting stepfathers and stepfatherhood is good for families: young people need all the fathering that they can get.

Being a stepfather is hard work - a study reported on by MS-NBC earlier this year was illustrated with a photo showing a stepdad with horns on his head talking to a child. Earning the trust of a child is not something that happens overnight. The press release from the Council on Contemporary Families observes:

Stepdads must walk the fine line of being a parental figure in the family without trying to replace the children’s biological dad. Even if the biological father has been irresponsible and neglectful, a successful stepfather bites his tongue and does not try to take the father’s place.

Effective stepfathers develop good relationships with their stepchildren the same way they would develop a relationship with a potential friend — except that unlike with most friends, they put aside their hurt feelings when their overtures are rejected and make a fresh start at trying to get acquainted every day, for as long as it takes.

They spend one-on-one time with the stepchild, especially early in the relationship. And they resist any pressure to “act like a father” when is comes to being the disciplinarian, recognizing that this is a job for the children’s mother.

Successful stepfathers let the stepchildren choose the pace at which the friendship develops. Loving their stepchildren, they understand that it takes time for their stepchildren to reciprocate.

Here’s some resources for stepdads:

Stepdad.org

Stepfathers on Fatherville.com

Seven Steps to Being a Better Stepdad

Stepfathering on About.com

Stepdad on Fathers.com - National Center on Fathering

TheStepfamilyLife’s Links for Stepdads

Whether you acknowledge your stepdad’s contributions on Father’s Day, or on a different day - make an effort to celebrate what this person has done in your family life. They have tried to care for and love a child who is not their own flesh and blood. They didn’t have to show up. They didn’t have to be a stepdad. They had a choice. They’re there. They may not be perfect - and none of us are - but they are trying to help that child develop into a healthy and well-adjusted adult. Mark the occasion and what they mean to your family.

If you need a gift for that important stepdad in your child’s life, here’s some places to look:

Stepdad Gifts on CafePress

TheStepfamilyLife’s Bookstore shelf for stepdads

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