Comments on: More Tips to Help Blended Families http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/27/more-tips-to-help-blended-families/ Stepfamily Blog by Syndicated Columnist & Stepmother Dawn Miller Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:04:20 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: AnotherMama http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/27/more-tips-to-help-blended-families/comment-page-1/#comment-1659 AnotherMama Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:55:38 +0000 http://thestepfamilylife.com/blog3/2008/03/27/more-tips-to-help-blended-families/#comment-1659 "Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?" You hit the nail on the head when you wrote this. In my own case, even though I don't like my S-kid's bio-mom and even though I don't agree with most things she decides, I still have a huge amount of respect for this woman. And this is regardless of how she treats me or my H. (I try not to take the way she treats my H or me personal b/c she would be this way towards anyone else in our position) btw- I fail at this constantly. Some just don't get this. One stepmom wrote "whether or not BM deserves respect is irrelevant to whether or not I treat her with respect." (although I am not sure what the author is trying to relay by this statement) she goes on to say "I try never to base my actions on whether or not someone “deserves” to be treated in a certain way." This is simply not agreeable to me. Because we should, and we NEED to base all of our actions on the fact that she does deserve this respect. Even though I don't like the other parent's actions, I doesn't mean I don't respect them. Yes, some and most disagree with this, but the articulation that you describe is reasoning behind the why and the how I believe it to be. Let's take what you said and enter disrespect in caps. ---- "When you DIS-RESPECT" your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear "OR SEE SOMEONE DIS-RESPECT THE OTHER PARENT" - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?" Is is not the same thing? If we don't do this we are literally disrespecting the child and who they are. Now keep in mind when I write this I am not promoting that we let the other parent "run all over us" or "disrespect us". We do need stand up for ourselves. We can do this carefully and with the upmost tact. IMO-to have the other parent respected at all times (along with the child) nurtures and creates a more confident child with higher self-esteem and self worth. (and no we are not going to like them at all times, just as we don't like our bosses, parents, coaches, trainers, and children but we sure do respect the hell out of em.) Just my 2 cents. AM “Finding a workable relationship can be challenging – for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled – and hear someone saying bad things – and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?”

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote this.

In my own case, even though I don’t like my S-kid’s bio-mom and even though I don’t agree with most things she decides, I still have a huge amount of respect for this woman. And this is regardless of how she treats me or my H. (I try not to take the way she treats my H or me personal b/c she would be this way towards anyone else in our position) btw- I fail at this constantly.

Some just don’t get this. One stepmom wrote “whether or not BM deserves respect is irrelevant to whether or not I treat her with respect.” (although I am not sure what the author is trying to relay by this statement) she goes on to say “I try never to base my actions on whether or not someone “deserves” to be treated in a certain way.” This is simply not agreeable to me. Because we should, and we NEED to base all of our actions on the fact that she does deserve this respect. Even though I don’t like the other parent’s actions, I doesn’t mean I don’t respect them. Yes, some and most disagree with this, but the articulation that you describe is reasoning behind the why and the how I believe it to be.

Let’s take what you said and enter disrespect in caps.

—- “When you DIS-RESPECT” your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled – and hear “OR SEE SOMEONE DIS-RESPECT THE OTHER PARENT” – and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?”

Is is not the same thing? If we don’t do this we are literally disrespecting the child and who they are.

Now keep in mind when I write this I am not promoting that we let the other parent “run all over us” or “disrespect us”. We do need stand up for ourselves. We can do this carefully and with the upmost tact.

IMO-to have the other parent respected at all times (along with the child) nurtures and creates a more confident child with higher self-esteem and self worth. (and no we are not going to like them at all times, just as we don’t like our bosses, parents, coaches, trainers, and children but we sure do respect the hell out of em.)

Just my 2 cents.
AM

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