03.27.08

More Tips to Help Blended Families

Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:52 pm by Dawn Miller

The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):

Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.

I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.

Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”

Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.

Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”

The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.

If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”

I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.

Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”

Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?

Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.

I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.

The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.

 

 

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