03.27.08

More Tips to Help Blended Families

Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:52 pm by Dawn Miller

The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):

Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.

I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.

Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”

Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.

Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”

The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.

If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”

I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.

Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”

Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?

Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.

I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.

The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.

 

 

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03.10.08

Stepfamily Scores New Home from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Posted in News at 8:35 am by Dawn Miller

If you watched ABC last night, then you saw the Turner family from Fairmont, West Virginia receive a new luxury house from the popular television show, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” The full episode is posted on the ABC website for viewing if you missed it.

Mom and dad in the family are Angie and Richard Turner, who married in 2003 to form a blended family with a brood of four - including Angie’s daughter Theresa and sons Tyron and Desmond, as well as Richard’s daughter Layton. Richard’s cousin Michael also moved in with the family. The parents work in the commuity with local youth coaching basketball, football and cheerleading. They would like to one day open up their own business to help the mentally challenged. 

In late November 2007, the family was surprised by Ty Pennington and the gang from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Their former home was less than 600 square feet and rotting. With little sleeping space for everyone in their old home, the girls had to share a bed, while the boys slept on the floor. The floors were unstable and the kitchen cabinets were falling off. It was the smallest home ever encountered by the team from ABC Home Makeover.

Reality TV magazine commented: Angie was sweet as she said she was blessed by the size of the home because the family had gotten a chance to become closer as a result of the limited space and that no one in the family ever complained.

A new home was built in a week for the family, with the network broadcast running last night.

Unfortunately, their newfound celebrity has also netted them some unfortunate tongue-wagging and rumor-mongering. The Charleston Daily Mail reported that:

Hosts at three radio stations, without calling the Turners to confirm, announced one morning that their yellow house was for sale.

It was a misunderstanding, the unfortunate result of a promotional ad the builder had placed in a real estate magazine. But outraged callers began to unload, and around 7:30 a.m., the Turners’ phones began to ring.

“Either somebody’s dead or there’s something in the paper,'’ Angie told Richard.

“We laughed at all the other rumors, but this was hurtful,'’ she recalls.

After a quick prayer, she called one of the stations.

“I told them we would never sell the house, that our integrity and character would never allow us to do that. I told them my dad had given me this land and this house, and we planned to hand it down to our kids,'’ she says. “We wouldn’t even sell that little house we had because of the land.'’

Even with all of the hoopla, the Turners are overjoyed to be in their new home. I love this show because it reminds me of the ten years I spent with a Habitat for Humanity affiliate - and the looks on the people’s faces when we dedicated their new home. Granted, a house by Habitat for Humanity is by no means the luxurious McMansion Extreme Makeover: Home Edition provides - but the joy and tears of home ownership are as real.

The State Journal’s look inside their new home. And a peek at the viewing party.

Reality TV magazine’s story on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Turner Family

Congratulations to the Turner Family. We wish you many years of happiness in your new home.

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03.01.08

Couple with Stepfamily Ministry Shares What They’ve Learned, Conference Today in Modesto

Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller

The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate - but with careful steps - we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.

The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.

“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.

“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”

Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.

Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:

“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.

“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”

I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing - that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.

And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:

“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”

So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.

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