09.24.07

Step-grandparents: Good Advice on Building Relationships

Posted in Perspectives at 11:29 pm by Dawn Miller

There’s a nice article in “Parents and Kids” out of Massachusetts offering advice for step-grandparents.

One point of note - the writer advises step-grandparents to treat step-grandchildren and grandchildren equally. This is a problem that many have written to me about seeking advice. I wish the author had offered more advice on this topic.

Advice on building a bond - suggesting that step-grandparents remember birthdays, and visit at special times of year - are all helpful.

The point is to try to build a relationship that is based on affection and respect between kids and their step-grandparents.

Permalink

10 Comments »

Bonnie said,

September 29, 2007 at 7:29 pm

If the stepgrandparents form these relationships with their stepgrandchildren - won’t the biological grandchildren relationships be diminished?
Dawn Miller said,

September 29, 2007 at 7:37 pm

Children don’t have a finite amount of love to give and they need the support of many caring adults and role models in their lives. A step-grandparent relationship shouldn’t diminish the relationship a child has with his/her biological grandparents. It just brings into their lives another person who cares about their well-being.
melissa said,

October 15, 2007 at 10:55 am

I wish that my husbands family…my children’s step-grandparents, would treat my children the way they treat their BG. They treat the child that my husband and I had together, like a step-child, as well. No amount of words, either written or spoken, will ever change their actions. It’s a shame that they don’t realize what they are doing to my children. It’s also a shame that they don’t recognize what horrible people they are showing themselves to be to their BG…who live with me and see what they do!!!
I enjoy reading your blog. It’s nice to find a place for oneself within this gigantic place called the blogosphere!
Melissa
Bonnie said,

November 14, 2007 at 8:37 pm

I still think the relationships with their biological grandchildren will be perceived to be diminished if their grandchildren accept “steps” and treat them as they treat their “bio” grandchildren.
Ara said,

November 16, 2007 at 5:35 pm

My husband’s mother, step-grandmother to my children is much like Melissa’s husband’s family. The only difference is that my husband and I have met with her and told her that we have boundaries and one of those is that our all of our children ( one biological, two step and a new baby biological on the way) will be treated the same. She has already over-stepped this boundary to the point that she bought her bio grand-daughter a gift and told her to hide it from us. She hasn’t been able to see any of us since then. Except, in counseling. It’s really sad because my family and even my ex-husbands family has accepted and treats my step-daughter equally. I don’t think my children should have to suffer because my husbands mother is behaving this way. If you haven’t already read the “Smart Step-Family” by Ron L. Deal you should.
Dawn Miller said,

November 16, 2007 at 6:46 pm

Yikes Ara! Wow - that is really difficult to deal with. I love that book the “Smart Step-Family by Ron Deal. I even reviewed it on my website back in 2003. I love his analogy of the crockpot for the blended family. Here’s a link to the review:
http://thestepfamilylife.com/BookReviewDeal.htm
Idetrorce said,

December 15, 2007 at 6:05 am

very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce
Sandy said,

January 11, 2008 at 5:33 am

I have 3 children, 18,17 and 10 years old. The older 2 have left home. I married 18 months ago and have been with my husband almost 3.5 years. He has a 6 year old daughter who lives with her mother. We see her on a Sunday. My mother in law told me that she had acquired a new grand daughter went we were about to be married and I was so pleased that she had accepted us in to her family as my children have no contact with their father and rarely see their paternal grand parents. My parents also don’t bother much with the kids, it’s just how they are but my in laws love to spend time with their grandchildren. It realy upsets me that my daughter does not get treated the same as my husband’s daughter. My MIL is really defensive about her BG and if I say things about my daughter she snaps at me e.g. I told her on Xmas day when they had come round for Xmas lunch about a photo of my daughter in which she looked stunning and she said we all think that because they’re our children. Once I told her that my daughter was jealous of BG and she snapped yes and BG is jealous too. She is always going on about how hard her BG has had it as she has to see her Dad living with another child. She doesn’t buy my daughter a card let alone a gift for a birthday and at Easter she told us in front of my daughter that she would be taking her BG an egg and never got 1 for my little girl. I year she got her an egg but she got a small 1 and BG got a big 1. She rang my house to ask what BG wanted for Xmas, never asked what my daughter wanted and bought her some socks, a love heart shaped tin and a turbie towel, total no more than £5. Although I am the 1 that buys the gifts for my husband’s nieces and if it were up to him they would get nothing it is BG that gets gifts from my brother in law, not my daughter. Thankfully my sister in law buys for them both. When we were invited BIL little girl’s party the invite was addressed to my husband, myself, BG which was then crossed out and & gang was wrote in it’s place. To me this means they can’t even remember my daughter’s name. It’s really upsetting as my husband and I have argued about it. He is also guilty of being thoughtless, He talks to my daughter in a way that I do not talk to his and when his ex wifes new bloke moved in with her my husband was actually horrible to my daughter. When we spoke about it he admitted that he felt guilty being with my daughter because he wasn’t with his own and this was triggered by feelings of jealousy towards the new bloke. How can I not be defensive when my daughter was mis treated because of his emotions about daughter? On the evening of Xmas Eve my husband sat with a miserable face again because of his emotions about his daughter. He makes me feel like we are second best. He wasn’t like this at first, everything has changed since we wre married. I was thinking about getting my husband to talk to his mum and brother about it, putting it from my daughter’s point of view but when I spoke to him about it he turned it all round to him and his daughter, as usual, and we argued about it. At the end of the day you can’t make some one love your children and blood is thicker than water. A bit of consideration and respect is all that I ask.
Carole said,

January 16, 2008 at 6:48 pm

I have a mother in law who refuses to accept my children. She says that they are not “blood” and blatantly spoils her BG’s whilst totally ignoring my younger daughter and barely tolerating my elder one. She is just a mean, spiteful witch and I really thought that this wasn’t a wide spread thing until I started reading what other people say about their in laws. I cannot believe that people will treat children in this way. They have feelings, they know what’s going on and it makes me so angry. I have no respect for her or her husband because he is basically he same way but I have to tolerate them to keep the peace with my husband.
Cyndi said,

April 15, 2008 at 11:56 am

The last few days I have been n the phone with my daughter, her and her husband went on a weekend outing leaving my 3 grandchildren with my son in laws parents, My daughter had 2 children when she married my faboulous son in law ( my son) they together had a beautiful daughter, My BG have been hurt many times my their step grandparents making moments that my BG are not true ( family name) even though my son in law loves them and has adopted them giving them his last name, she hurt my BG this last weekend when she and her other daughter in law had a converstion over dinner about how Kayla was not a true (family name) and that Christy and Brooke was. Brooke is my grandaughters sister.. Brooke is only 7 and does not understand and when my daughter and her husband got home she was questioning the her parents why kayla and Brandon are not true ( family name) but that she and her Bio cousins were.
My daughter is so hurt and she has been though so much, my son in law is a wonderful father and husband and also son very successful and does not want to hurt his parents, how do we handle this. I have 2 step grandaughters 7 and 2. I could never hurt them, if anything when they visit us I think I go overboard to make sure they know I love them the word step has never entered my mind. i feel blessed that God has allowed me to have them in my life. I hope i can give them something to take with them though their life. I have 2 BG also 7 and i call them my triplets,I try and get all 3 girls together and want them to have that close cousin bond.

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog

09.24.07

Step-grandparents: Good Advice on Building Relationships

10 Comments »

Leave a Comment

Pages

Archives

Categories

Search

Meta