07.15.07

When You Marry a Guy With Kids, It’s a Package Deal

Posted in News, Perspectives at 8:43 am by Dawn Miller

A divorced and remarried Dad recently wrote in to Ask Lisa with Philly Women seeking advice. His wife wants for the stepfather to adopt the Dad’s kids, so the Dad doesn’t have to pay child support. And he adds, part of why she is pushing for the adoption is so if anything happens to their Mom, the kids won’t have to live with them. He also says, ”she does not like my kids at all.”

Oh so much could be said about this. Oh so much.

Unbelievable. No wonder stepmothers get a bad rap! Are there actually women in this world who are this conniving, manipulative, and selfish?

When you marry a guy with kids, he doesn’t stop being a dad because he’s married to you.

Admittedly - sometimes I don’t like my stepkids either - and I think my feelings are common to most stepparents. There are days I adore my stepkids and days I don’t. But we are a stepfamily and we are in this together. And yes, we pay child support and more. And sometimes it’s tough - really tough - and I wonder what I signed up for when I got into this. But I knew up front that he was a Dad, and that would never change. Period.

Chopping the kids out of Dad’s life legally, financially, and emotionally is not a solution to the wife’s insecurities.

Bravo to Lisa of Ask Lisa for Philly Women, for writing back that his wife needs counseling and advice on how to deal with the demands of a bldended family, and suggesting that the Dad spend more time with his kids.

Permalink

7 Comments »

Stephanie said,

July 15, 2007 at 11:25 am

Seriously. That woman does need counseling. I can’t imagine, even for a second, suggesting that my husband give up his kids for me. I, like you, have moments where the situation is not my favorite thing and the kids are not my favorite people, but that happens with my biological child, as well. I would never just give up on him because of circumstances in life that were not to my liking. This is really about commitment, 100%. If you marry someone with children, it really is a package deal. Sign up and hang on, it may be a bumpy ride, but you don’t get to force your partner into dumping his or her obligations for your own personal gain. Unreal.
Jill said,

July 15, 2007 at 3:34 pm

The article Lisa links to in her column is terrific, too.
Izzy Rose said,

July 16, 2007 at 12:15 pm

Yes, it is the package deal. I am discovering that myself with two new step-sons myself. Check me out at stepmothersmilk.com The post “A different Breed” speaks to this very topic.

Izzyrose @ stepmothersmilk.com
Barb said,

August 29, 2007 at 4:00 pm

My SO and I have been living together for almost a year, together for 4 years. I am 62 and he will soon be 60. We share the same religion (jewish) and many other things. We have been very happy. He has two grown sons and is very good friends with ex wife and her husband and her entire family. He often sees his “extended family” instead of his immediate family. It’s an unusual relationship but I have managed to stay friendly with everyone until last week. My SO father passed away. In the Jewish faith after a funeral, services are held at the home of a family member or close friend for 7 days. She came into my home and starting discussing who would be invited to services after the funeral, most of those she named were her family. She was sitting there talking to my SO and when I walked in an heard what they were discussing I became instantly upset. She followed me into another room, I told her to back off and that she could not take control in my home. My SO is okay with this and has been supportive. She has always been a control freak and that is what broke up their marriage, she couldn’t control him. What do I do now? I felt compelled to say something or matters would have really gotten out of hand and I would have been run over in my own home!
Megan said,

September 18, 2007 at 10:10 pm

Hi -

When I was reading about this stepmom, I felt conflicted - on the one hand, you know she must feel threatened and anxious, and that sucks. But on the other hand, children always belong to their parents (OK, barring the truly henious), and that bond must be respected, even when it’s difficult, wierd or uncomfortable. Trying to manipulate a situation like that. . .no bueno.

And I have to say, what a bummer to not like your stepkids at all! All kids are less than perfect (um, adults too), but to not enjoy them at all is really sad. If I didn’t enjoy my stepkids, I think I would take the approach that the cat has for step-family life and just hide under the bed.
Meg said,

September 23, 2007 at 8:04 am

I can relate.
I have been married 2 years.
My husband has 3 children and we have one together.
We also have another one on the way.
I never imagined a blended family would be this hard.
I can’t find myself loving those children as much as I love mine.
It sounds horrible but its the truth.

It’s important not to let the frustration you have for their Mother come between your relationship with them.
You have to remember first family is first.
That is the way it is. There is no changing that.
Some days I look at our family and smile.
Other days I want to run and scream.
Marie said,

November 9, 2007 at 2:35 pm

I have been a stepmom for three months now (stepdaughter is 10). She is the most loving and accepting child. I may not see it now but I think I am going to get so much out of this relationship in the years to come. We have her half-time (a week on and then a week off) so it’s hard to adjust but she makes it easier than I thought it could be.

TheStepfamilyLife - The Blended Family Blog

07.15.07

When You Marry a Guy With Kids, It’s a Package Deal

7 Comments »

Leave a Comment

Pages

Archives

Categories

Search

Meta