05.31.07

Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy

Posted in Dawn's Writing at 7:25 pm by Dawn Miller

My new column about the HBO hit series, “Big Love,” is out. Check it out online with a YouTube clip or read below:

Big Love: Three Reasons Why I Love a Show About Polygamy

HBO’s hit show, “Big Love,” a tale about the Henricksons, a perfectly average middle class suburban family consisting of a Dad, three wives, and seven kids returns June 11th – and I can’t wait.

Perhaps it’s because as a stepmom in a blended family, I see mirrored in the jealousies, feelings, and interactions on the show, some of the situations that emerge in my stepfamily that aren’t addressed in other places.

Even if you are not a polygamist, marriage is for so many of us – a package deal. When I married my husband – I didn’t marry just him. I also got 3 kids and one ex-wife.  She is like a satellite in orbit tethered to our marriage. Her choice of words to the kids, financial decisions, and career pursuits affect us.

And I’m not the only one with a bio-mom inhabiting my universe. Thirteen million women in the United States today are stepmothers, and 92% of them do not have sole custody of their stepchildren. Shared custody means that stepmoms are influenced by and must interact with bio-moms in many ways. Small wonder “Big Love” resonates so deeply.

When Barb wanted to take a teaching job and her sister wives, Nicki and Margene, complained that she was offloading work and counting on them to pick up the slack – I could relate. I could see the knowing nods of a thousand stepmoms stuck with carpool duty, birthday party chauffeuring, and soccer practice because the bio-mom took a new job and dumped the schedule on her after the fact.

What one of us does, affects the rest. Like it or not – we are stuck with each other – forever – because of the kids.

Our values influence how we raise our children, but just because we are different in approaches doesn’t mean our kids are worse for it. So often in stepfamilies, we find that our core values influence how we structure our households and that our two homes don’t entirely agree. In my home, things will never be spic-and-span, but it will never be as carefree as my husband’s ex-wife’s home – hopefully the kids will in adulthood end up somewhere in the middle between clean and complete pig-sty.

Even among the three wives on the show, there is dispute over the core values that guide their lives. Nicki was so scandalized when she caught Margene smoking a cigarette in front of one of the kids, that she reprimanded her for spreading bad values to the kids. And she neglected to realize that by revealing her own secret, Margene lured Teeny into revealing one of her own.

As much as we may not like our differences at times in blended families, on many issues, our children are better for getting more than one perspective.

Raising children really does take a village. The reality is that our children are influenced by a variety of care-givers and influencers. No matter how good a parent is, he or she cannot spot everything going on with a child. Teachers, coaches, family friends and so many other people affect our children and the people they become.

When teenager Ben and his girlfriend Brynn made up after school and started making out, they were caught by Nicki and Margene on pick-up patrol, not his mom and dad. And it’s Margene, the ditzy third wife with a heart of gold, who reminds Ben how lucky he was to be taught that sex is sacred and virginity should not be given away easily. Even strait-edged Nicki notes that it really does take a village to raise children, and no one can do it alone.

For a show about a practice most Americans find utterly distasteful, “Big Love” explores what binds non-traditional families together in a way few television shows do.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at www.thestepfamilylife.com.

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05.30.07

Blending Two Families Into One

Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies at 11:03 pm by Dawn Miller

A laurel goes to the Cape Cod Times for recently publishing a positive story about finding ways to blend two families into one. Too bad the reporter didn’t ask how the Census Bureau assigns people to the categories, as the numbers she reports are far below the national averages. She might have found out that many of the children counted as living with a single parent are really living in a shared custody arrangement and therefore the U.S. Census Bureau actually under-estimates the number of stepfamilies.

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05.29.07

So Parenting is Hard? Stepparenting is Harder!

Posted in News at 9:15 pm by Dawn Miller

Check out this article in the Republican in Massachusetts about stepmom Nancy J. Kotowitz, who offers a curriculum to help stepfamilies and lots of helpful advice. I especially liked this suggestion:

She recommends that parents in blended families take on “an attitude of gratitude” toward each other. They should not take for granted the usual male-female roles in which Dad coaches the kids in baseball and Mom does their laundry. As single parents, after all, they were doing everything. So thank the spouse often for shouldering part of the load.

After you have cleaned the kitchen counter for the umpteenth time, moved heaven and earth to whip out a yummy and nutritious dinner, offered advice on a school project, loaded/run/unloaded the dishwasher twice in one afternoon, loaned your car to one of his children who thinks that driving Dad’s car is too embarrassing, and done 5 loads of laundry - that little thank you from your spouse can mean a lot.

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05.24.07

Any Way You Spell Mom…

Posted in News at 10:00 pm by Dawn Miller

Kudos to the Alameda Sun for writing an outstanding editorial on the value of mothering, “Any Way You Spell Mom, It Means the Same Thing.” Editors wrote:

Although in fiction most stepmothers have had a bad reputation for being “evil,” in reality the role of stepmother is as challenging as the role of birth mother. Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. Another common term is blended family.

Some people are raised by grandmothers, aunts, family friends, foster parents or older siblings. No matter who has played the role of “mother” in a person’s life, Mother’s Day is always a good day to thank that person.

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05.23.07

Balancing Work & (Step)Families: Tough Choices

Posted in News at 1:32 pm by Dawn Miller

Salon has an interesting article called “The Invisible Mommies,” examining recent books on women and work - and the choices all of us struggle to make when balancing the demands of a home and childcare with a career. It goes into the old debates we have all heard a thousand times:

Are working mothers and care-givers more secure and fulfilled than those who stay home?

Are mothers and care-givers who stay home more fulfilled than those who work outside the home?

What do you give up by opting to stay home? What do you give up by returning or staying at work?

What career risks are stepmoms assuming by taking on child-rearing responsibilities?

Can you go back to work after staying at home to raise children for an extended period of time? How will it affect your career path and earning power?

How receptive are workplaces to allowing flexibility, time off and shared working arrangements for workers who need them? And how do they feel about people returning to the workplace after a break for child-rearing?

Rather than arguing with each other about who is holier and more fulfilled - could we advocate for policies and support for all families that have children? So people can make their own choices about what type of working/daycare/at home care arrangements work for them and have the best support for making those decisions?

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Stepfamily Finances: The Giant Stressor

Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 1:01 pm by Dawn Miller

My new column talks about stepfamily finances, and I’ve already started receiving email about it. This is a hot-button issue for many stepfamilies, who often find themselves financially linked to an ex-spouse, and facing money challenges.

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05.18.07

Self-Confidence Helps Kids Be Successful, According to University of Florida Study

Posted in News at 8:59 am by Dawn Miller

A new study from the University of Florida demonstrates that self-confidence is a key factor in financial success. The press release about the study said:

People with high opinions of themselves as teenagers and young adults drew bigger salaries in middle age than their less confident counterparts, and the gap was widest for those from privileged backgrounds, said Timothy Judge, a UF management professor who did the study with graduate student Charlice Hurst.

“There are certainly significant advantages for children growing up with parents who are well-educated and work in professional occupations, but these advantages are especially profound when children are self-confident,” said Judge, whose study will be published later this year in the Journal of Applied Psychology. “Positive self-concept seems to act like an accelerant – the fuel to the fire – that leads the advantaged in our society to do better.”

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05.14.07

Stepfamily/Remarried Survey: What Struggles Are You Facing In Your Marriage?

Posted in Research About Stepfamilies at 1:05 pm by Dawn Miller

David Schramm, a student at Auburn University and staff member for the National Stepfamily Resource Center recently contacted me about his dissertation research and to ask for your help. David is studying stepfamilies and remarriage. As we all know, there is very little information available on this topic. David wrote that:

We would also like to learn more about the possible marital struggles you may have experienced in your remarriage and/or stepfamily, including struggles with financial issues, in hopes that we may be able to educate future couples about what to expect going into remarriage. Only people in remarriages and stepfamilies can help us truly understand the joys and stresses of these relationships.

You can take the survey online. I hope you and your spouse will take the time to complete the survey. Let’s help him with his research and help all of us learn more and equip future stepfamilies to be successful. David also adds a few more details:

All of the information that you provide on the online survey will be treated as private and kept confidential. It will not be shared with anyone unless legally required. Your name will NOT appear on any questionnaires. You will be asked to come up with your own 4 digit code number, which will be used to organize the information you provide. If you have any questions I invite you to contact me directly at 334.844.3299 or schradg@auburn.edu.

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05.13.07

Stepmoms: Happy Mother’s Day

Posted in Dawn's Life at 10:55 pm by Dawn Miller

Hi Stepmoms,
I hope you had a great Mother’s Day. We celebrated a major milestone today. My oldest stepson graduated from college! It was wonderful to hear them call his name and to see him cross the stage in his cap and gown to get his diploma. We are so proud of him. After a photo session with the family camera and lunch for 7 to celebrate, we headed back to his apartment to pack up his stuff and load up our cars, and then drove back home.

After getting up at 3am to drive 3 hours to the ceremony and spending nearly a full day in a college town, plus the drive home, we were exhausted. However, even with all the graduation hububb going on, the skids still remembered M-day. I was delightfully surprised to get a digital photo frame. It included photos of me with each kid, and has a sweet Mother’s Day message. I was majorly impressed! It was a great Mother’s Day.

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05.09.07

Get jiggly in my new column

Posted in Dawn's Life, Dawn's Writing at 10:47 pm by Dawn Miller

I’ve got a new column out on hitting the jell-o phase as a family. Thank goodness, we’re jiggly. I hope you are too.

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