02.10.07
Stepmom to Three, Wife to One
Hi, I’m Dawn Miller, writer of TheStepfamilyLife.com. I’m a stepmom to three (2 teens, 1 in college) and wife to one. I started writing TheStepfamilyLife.com more than four years ago.
When I became a stepmom, I found the advice out there depressing – they all said that my life with the love of my life was going to suck – abysmally. They were totally wrong. Yes, there have been rough patches with the skids. And life is sometimes, well, outright cruel. But life as a stepmom doesn’t automatically have to stink.
Because of TheStepfamilyLife.com, I get email from all over the world from other stepmoms and the people who care about them. Some like what I have to say – and others write seeking advice or help. In this blog, I’ll try to answer some of the questions I get, point out news of interest to stepfamilies, and also offer some new resources.
T. said,
March 16, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Dear Dawn,
Since you are a step mom I have a question that I am hoping you can possibly answer I have two children they see the bio father and his wife. They are ages 15 and 11 and they are not comfortable in calling her mom but by her first name, he the bio father punishes them he said it is either mom or nothing. They do refer to my husband as there Dad but we were married when they were very young and there bio father did not get married until much later.
His wife has NEVER called to talk to the girls or sent a card etc. They are there on the alternating weekends and a couple days a week they are reaching the point that they would rather not go at all but the court system says they must go until they are 18.
I am happily remarried with 2 other children ages 6 and 8 and the 15 and 11 year old are very close to them.
His wife has a daughter from a previous marriage and my girls can not stand her. More importantly the step mother has gotten out a video camera and made comments like “let see what the judge has to say about that and when his wife was cross examined she denied it and I wanted my daughter to testify and the judge said no.
How do I ptotect my girls they are hurt from all that his wife interfears with decisions and we have been to court more times that I want to remember.
Any suggestions?
Dawn Miller said,
March 16, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Dear T.,
I think that it is not ok for your ex to insist that your/his daughters call their stepmom “mom” if they are not comfortable with it. Children need to grow into step-relationships over time and allowed to adjust at their own pace.
It is important that the girls stay connected with their dad and you have to follow the court order – so not going to his house is not an option. Could you talk with their father about this behavior? Based on what you have said about the relationship, his insistence on the girls calling their stepmother “mom” seems to be more linked to rebutting your role and establishing himself or his wife as an authority figure – not the well-being of the kids.
What is best for the kids is to know they have the support and love of both their parents and adjoining households (and household members), and to see their parents engaging in co-parening in a non-hostile way. As the girls get older and encounter the inevitable struggles of teen life – they will be able to play parents in different households against each other very effectively – so it’s important to iron out a solid co-parenting dynamic now before those rocky teen years hit.
When you talk with the girl’s dad – you want to use a 4-step technique:
(1) Calm yourself and the surroundings – Talk privately or away from the kids, in a place where you have his full attention. E.g. Ask if now is a good time to talk. Make sure you have his attention. Take a deep breath and say “Thanks for talking with me. I’m concerned about the well-being of our girls, and I know you are too – and we both want what is best for them. It’s hard for me to say this, but I would like to tell you about a behavior that really is disturbing them and see if we can come up with a solution.”
(2) Explain with non-accusatory language what happened that you don’t like, and then say what you would like to see instead. Try to avoid any emotional words. Don’t make sweeping generalizations – use specific examples. E.g. “When I picked up Susan and Carrie on Sunday, they were very upset and cried on the way home in the car – I asked them what was bothering them and they said that they were upset about going to your house, and that while they value their time with you, it makes them upset to call your wife “mom”. They would like instead to address her by her first name, and to not feel like they are being forced into calling her mom.”
(3) Affirm roles of both parents in the lives of the girls and the shared ground they share. Acknowledge any wrongdoing on your own part, and affirm that everyone should be treated with dignity. “E.g. I know that it’s important for the girls to have you and your family in their lives, as well as me and mine. I’d like for us to agree to co-parent our girls in a non-hostile way, and to try to resolve conflict between us and our homes. The girls are growing up and we are going to need to be a united support for them. Everyone involved in their lives should be treated with respect – including you, your wife, me, andthe girls – and treated with dignity.”
(4) Close out the conversation. E.g. “Thanks for talking with me. This was hard for me to say, and I hope that if you have a concern in the future, you’ll talk to me and we can work it out.”
I’m not sure what is meant about the video camera, but if you have been “to court many times, it sounds like you have a relationship between your households with a lot conflict in it – but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
You may find “Step-Wives: Ten Steps to Help Ex-Wives and Stepmothers End the Struggle and Put the Kids First” by Louise Oxhorn and Lynn Oxhorn-Ringwood, helpful as you try to define a smoother relationship that is better for your girls.
If you talk to him and can’t get anywhere, you can try finding a mediator. If it’s apparent that you are dealing with people who truly are impossible and won’t reason or make steps to get better, you might want to check out another book called “Joint Custody with a Jerk” by Judy Ross and Julie Corcoran that offers strategies for dealing with people who are unreasonable, hostile, and even dangerous.
I wish you the best of luck.
K said,
March 20, 2007 at 9:24 am
Hi Dawn,
I wrote you a couple of weeks ago. and read some of your suggestions, I feel so far it has not helped me.
trying to get me husband to listen is like having a root canal done. My stepdaughter runs all over him. When asked to clean her room before she goes home to moms, it does not get done. When it comes to home work, she has to have every tv on in the house so when she goes room to room she does not miss any thing. Homework does get done, however, but, she does not need every tv on. Husband thinks its funny. Daughter does not have tv at home. Is he doing this to make me upset or is he doing this get back at his ex wife. It seems as though, he feeling sorry for his daughter, but is not doing her any justice in excepting responsiblities.
help what do i do
k
TheStepfamilyLife » Families May Not Need Hyphens to Work - But Some Are Special said,
March 21, 2007 at 9:56 pm
[...] There is a critical need for blended families to have consistent rules – and both of the adults in the marriage must back up and enforce those rules regularly. Otherwise you end up with a situation where one adult can undercut the other (read a comment from a reader going thru this) - and the other adult feels like he/she is not backed up and all hell is breaking lose. For a general discipline question - marriage partners in blended families should talk ahead of time about what those rules will be and stick to them doggedly – not wait til someone gets home. [...]
Mary in Alabama said,
January 13, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Need help and hope in Alabama. I have remarried to a Wonderful Man in Alabama. He has two teen daughters 14 and 16. I have three children of my own 16,23,and 28 . I knew having a blended family would be tough but not this hard.
Since my husband and I have been together( Married one year in December) we have tried to include his children as well as mine in what we do. My children live in Washington DC. Over the past year My relationship with my 16 year old Ariel has become more distant and now she refuses to speak to me. She states she does not want anything to do with my new family. My ex is no help and actually incourages this behavior.I am planning on reading Joint Custody with a jerk . I do not know what to do. I do not want to lose my daughter I have not heard from her for over 6 months I will welcome any ideas I call her email her and write her.II am trying to remain constant with her even though she won’t return my calls.I do not know how to get her to open up to me and communicate. hoping for hope in Alabama