05.10.09
Posted in Stepmom Profiles at 10:51 pm by TheStepfamilyLife
Fraternal Order of Eagles Grand Madam President Pat Durham has experience as a working stepmother from her marriage to a widower with three young boys. She understands the juggling act that mothers (and stepmothers) carry out everyday. Now she travels more than 300 days a year while maintaining relationships with her stepchildren and grandchildren.
The Fraternal Order of Eagles presented the first call for a special day for Moms in 1904. Ten years later, President Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day. Below are her reflections on life as a stepmother.
1. Can you tell me about your role as a stepmother to 3 young boys in a blended family? How did you adjust to your role as a stepparent? Can you think of a particular situation that was challenging, but that you persevered through?
My role was to be supportive. I didn’t have any children to blend into the family, so it was unique in that respect. I wondered when I came into the family, not having ‘had any children, how I would do. I became involved in their lives and took a back seat to the discipline and let my husband take care of that. If anyone especially did anything that was personal to me, then I handled it. I didn’t have any particular challenging situation except to me as I was married for the first time at 42, and absorbed into a family with teenage boys. I didn’t have a clue about how to raise teenagers, so it was a learning experience for me as well.
2. What are your relationships with your stepchildren like now?
We are one big family and they accept me as their mother and treat me as such. I receive Mother’s Day cards, etc. We have two grandchildren and they call me grandma, etc. All is well.
3. We know you travel 300 days a year in your work with FOE, how do you stay close to your family while on the road? Any tips you would like to share? Does technology help you stay in touch?
I call my husband each night when I am on the road and we share what has happened during our days. Since I travel with a computer at my side, I also keep in touch with the boys through e-mail.
4. What role did the Fraternal Order of Eagles have in establishing Mother’s Day?
During an Eagles Memorial Service in 1904, Past Eagles Grand Worthy President Frank E. Hering’s keynote address is recognized as the “First Public Plea” for a day to honor mothers. It was through the Eagles that the concept for Mother’s Day first spread across the country. FOE members worked with Mother’s Day advocate Anna Jarvis to encourage adoption of a special day for all mothers across the nation. Members contacted their congressman and made public statements to support the cause. Our efforts paid off when on May 10, 1914, President Woodrow Wilson designated the second Sunday in May as Mother’s Day.
5. As a stepmother and grandmother, how do you feel about Mother’s Day?
I enjoy Mother’s Day and think it is a wonderful day for moms to be recognized for all they do for their families.
6. Is there any other advice you would like to offer stepmoms?
As a stepmom, don’t try to reorganize a family. Be there when needed and offer advice that you think is important, but leave the discipline, etc. to the father. If you have a problem with the children, discuss the appropriate action to take with the father before you do it. You will only be resented if you try to interfere too much. Be loving and kind and be a shoulder to cry on if things get difficult for the children. Make them feel that they can come to you with their problems and that you will listen and offer advice if they want it. Each child is different and you must get to know them as individuals.
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04.04.09
Posted in Books at 9:49 pm by TheStepfamilyLife
There’s a great article in Library Journal this month designed to help librarians comb the book shelves and provide good resources to help today’s modern blended families.The author confronts the Brady Bunch myth head-on:
Yet a Brady Bunch nation we are not for two reasons: 1) most stepfamilies don’t have the luxury of a live-in cleaning lady like Alice, and 2) stepfamily configurations go beyond the classic two adults who are legally married (or cohabitating) to share in parenting children from earlier relationships (and/or share children together). Things get complex with noncustodial stepfamilies, i.e., those with children from multiple relationships, gay and lesbian parents, situations where adults “step” in after the death of a parent (the origin of the term stepparent), and adult stepfamilies (those comprised of people who remarry after their children are grown).
Some sources hold that stepfamilies outnumber nuclear ones in the United States; if that’s not statistically true, it’s simply a matter of time before the latter becomes the minority. However one terms them, blended, binuclear, multi-, and stepfamilies are here to stay.
Check out the article, which offers short mini-reviews of several books to help stepfamilies.
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03.18.09
Posted in Stepmom Profiles, Perspectives at 8:28 am by TheStepfamilyLife
Military.com columnist Anita writes admiringly about her friend Holly, a stepmom who is also a military spouse. She makes some interesting observations. Anita writes:
The fact that Holly is a step-mom certainly doesn’t define who she is, but it has been an important part of her life and something that taught her a lot about herself and her family.
Everyone in a stepfamily learns a great deal about compromise, sharing, and themselves. In many ways, i would say being a stepparent has led me to reflect on my own values and helped me grow as a person.
I’ve wondered things like: Do I believe the things I truly say I believe by living them out in my life and behavior? How can I be so self-centered? How do I put the needs of others ahead of my own? And why is it difficult sometimes to get myself to do that with things that seem so very trivial?
Anita writes about the negotiations that happen in many blended families raising children in dual households with differing values:
Holly made many adjustments and compromises with her step son, whom she has knows since he was 8 years old. Her step-son’s mom and Holly were completely different people with different parenting philosophies and there was friction at times. For example, he was allowed to do certain things at his mother’s house that weren’t allowed at Holly’s home. This resulted in some friction. However, Holly and her step-son learned to compromise and focus on the truly important stuff, letting some of the details slide.
Bravo to Holly for her role as a stepmom, mom, and military spouse, and to her friend Anita, for writing about her.
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02.12.09
Posted in News at 9:42 pm by Dawn Miller
Casting call….
Established non-fiction production company is casting all over the country for an OUTGOING, FUN family to be featured in their own series. Think “Jon & Kate Plus Eight…” We are looking for women about to transition from fabulous and single to STEPPARENT.
Are you about to become an instant family? Are you a bit overwhelmed about the idea? We’d like to hear your story!
This is a positive, upbeat show that parents of all types (step or otherwise) can relate to! To find out more information about the company and what we’re looking for, please contact Ally at Reality_Casting@pietown.tv - please put “Instant Family!” in the subject line.
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06.03.08
Posted in News, Perspectives at 10:35 am by Dawn Miller
Stepdads get a bad rap - and their contributions to raising children are often not noticed or appreciated. The Council on Contemporary Families issued a press release calling on Americans to acknowledge the contributions made by stepfathers to raising children.
Perhaps one of the biggest fears that crop up when a new stepfamily forms and a stepparent is introduced - is how will children react? Will the kids be forced to choose between Dad and Stepdad? The reality is that children need the presence of many caring adults in their lives. The Council on Contemporary Families says:
For kids, loving both Dad and Stepdad is not an either/or issue: Children, especially adolescents, benefit from having close relationships with both their stepfather and their father. Right now this happens about 25 percent of the time. 35 percent of the time, youth have a close relationship with their stepfather rather than their father– and 16 percent of the time it is the other way around. Sadly, 25 percent of the time, teens in stepfamilies have neither a close relationship with their stepfather or father. Supporting stepfathers and stepfatherhood is good for families: young people need all the fathering that they can get.
Being a stepfather is hard work - a study reported on by MS-NBC earlier this year was illustrated with a photo showing a stepdad with horns on his head talking to a child. Earning the trust of a child is not something that happens overnight. The press release from the Council on Contemporary Families observes:
Stepdads must walk the fine line of being a parental figure in the family without trying to replace the children’s biological dad. Even if the biological father has been irresponsible and neglectful, a successful stepfather bites his tongue and does not try to take the father’s place.
Effective stepfathers develop good relationships with their stepchildren the same way they would develop a relationship with a potential friend — except that unlike with most friends, they put aside their hurt feelings when their overtures are rejected and make a fresh start at trying to get acquainted every day, for as long as it takes.
They spend one-on-one time with the stepchild, especially early in the relationship. And they resist any pressure to “act like a father” when is comes to being the disciplinarian, recognizing that this is a job for the children’s mother.
Successful stepfathers let the stepchildren choose the pace at which the friendship develops. Loving their stepchildren, they understand that it takes time for their stepchildren to reciprocate.
Here’s some resources for stepdads:
Stepdad.org
Stepfathers on Fatherville.com
Seven Steps to Being a Better Stepdad
Stepfathering on About.com
Stepdad on Fathers.com - National Center on Fathering
TheStepfamilyLife’s Links for Stepdads
Whether you acknowledge your stepdad’s contributions on Father’s Day, or on a different day - make an effort to celebrate what this person has done in your family life. They have tried to care for and love a child who is not their own flesh and blood. They didn’t have to show up. They didn’t have to be a stepdad. They had a choice. They’re there. They may not be perfect - and none of us are - but they are trying to help that child develop into a healthy and well-adjusted adult. Mark the occasion and what they mean to your family.
If you need a gift for that important stepdad in your child’s life, here’s some places to look:
Stepdad Gifts on CafePress
TheStepfamilyLife’s Bookstore shelf for stepdads
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05.05.08
Posted in News, Research About Stepfamilies, Kids Today at 12:47 am by Dawn Miller
A new study by Florida State University researcher Kathryn Harker Tillman found that teens living with half-siblings and step-siblings, may not do as well in school as those living with only full siblings. The study was based on a nationally representative study of more than 11,000 youth in grades 7-12. United Press International reported:
Teens in the most complicated family arrangement of all — those with both half- and step siblings — like the 1968 movie “Yours, Mine and Ours” remade in 2005 — fared better than those who live with only step-siblings or only half-siblings. Tillman theorized that the parents’ decision in these more complicated families to have a biological child together may reflect a stable relationship.
The study, published in the journal Social Science Research, found boys living with half- or step-siblings appear to have the hardest time coping, with average GPAs one-quarter of a letter grade lower than boys who live with only full siblings.
Girls with half- or step-siblings also had lower GPAs than those living with only full siblings, but the difference was much smaller. Boys and girls in these types of families also had more school behavioral problems, such as trouble paying attention, getting homework done and getting along with teachers and other students.
In an FSU news release, Tillman commented and theorized that:
”We cannot assume that over time, children will naturally ‘adjust’ to the new roles and relationships that arise when families are blended,” she said. “This research indicates that the effects of new stepsiblings or half siblings may actually become more negative over time or, at the least, remain consistently negative.”
“Lower social and financial investments may signal to children a lack of parental interest and lower expectations for academic achievement and college attendance,” she said. “In turn, youth in stepfamilies may be less likely to get academic assistance when needed, less likely to work for higher grades and more likely to act out at school.”
The study also drew attention from the Super Nanny website. What is truly scary is that in the study - relationships among stepsiblings tended not to improve with time - it should be noted that only 1% of the youth in the study fell into the category of having both step-siblings and half-siblings.
I’m curious to see how long she looked at those relationships - since many of us stepmoms hang our hopes on “things getting better” with time. My experience has been that our lives and my personal relationships with my stepchildren have improved with time, but I also did not bring biological children into my marriage, which eliminated the competition factor.
I would also be curious about how the length of custody arrangements impacted the results - are we talking step-kids rotating households on the weekends, on 60/40, 50/50 or living 100% of the time alongside step-siblings? And how involved is the other parent in the child’s life?
Stepfamilies - I think these results are a call to us to talk about how we can provide more support for children living in stepfamilies and epecially more support for their education and well-being.
Stepmoms out there - what do you think about this study? I welcome your comments to this blog!
The Orlando Sentinel is also inviting comments about the study on its blog.
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05.04.08
Posted in News at 10:19 pm by Dawn Miller
America watched in horror in 2006 on ABC Primetime as Kyle Nelson, then a teenager, was beaten by her stepfather and cheered on by her stepmother, in an expose called “Stepfamilies in Crisis.”
The show’s producers did nothing to stop the abuse, and the public outrage about ABC’s failure to protect Kyle, who was a minor at the time, after knowing (and videotaping) the assault on the girl, led to ABC shutting down its user feedback mechanisms for the show on its website and even removing video of the episode. The story even sparked coverage by stately NPR.
In a PR effort to quell the mayhem, ABC had Kyle appear on Good Morning America, to ask the public to not hate her father, say she was alright, and indicate that her family was in counseling.
Last year, we found out Kyle was suing ABC, the Walt Disney Company, and anchor Diane Sawyer for their bungling and failure to protect her from abuse. Now Kyle’s legal guardian, Joseph Nelson, and stepmother, Lynn Nelson, have been added to the lawsuit as well, reports the Adirondack Daily Enterprise. ABC and company have until May 30, 2008 to respond to the lawsuit.
The story raises serious questions about journalist ethics and how minors are treated in an age of reality-TV. Some of Kyle’s relatives have also told journalist blogger Po Bronson about how ABC kept them in the dark about the abuse and what Kyle endured at her stepfather’s home, and said that if they had known about the tape, they would have taken it to the district attorney to try to protect Kyle, then ABC would have lost the ability to air the tape legally - so ABC kept mum. He also wrote earlier about the case and the serious journalist ethics issues it raises.
See TheStepfamilyLife’s previous postings about this story:
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03.27.08
Posted in News, Perspectives at 9:52 pm by Dawn Miller
The Miami Herald reprinted some great tips from Don and Kathy Coryell to help blended families (with a few comments from me added in):
Make God the center of your family. “It has to start there,” Kathy said.
I think one challenge we faced in our marriage is that my husband became more religious after coming to know me. I had always been a goody-two-shoes religious person. I had always thought I would marry a minister, not a libertarian. Their kids were not used to seeing their dad going to church or expecting a prayer at the dinner table. Finding our footing with how our faith would fit into our family life took time.
Lower your expectations. “Don’t think you’ll be one big happy family immediately,” she said. “And don’t force your children to call your new spouse mom or dad. Allow the children to set the pace in the family relationship.” For example, she said, she didn’t know what to call herself with Don’s daughter from a previous marriage. Mom? Stepmom? Kathy? “We talked about it, and I learned the relationship is more important than the title.”
Trying not to push the kids for a title - letting them find their way with it - is important.
Come up with a financial plan. “He may have child support; he or she may have a home; one might owe money on bad credit. It’s not as simple as saying all money goes into one pot,” Don said. “You need to come up with a budget for the new family.”
The big stressor - money. If you were single before marrying someone with kids (like I was) then you have a huge curve ball coming with marriage.
If at all possible, move to a neutral zone. “When we bought a house together, that’s when we became a family,” Kathy said. “Get out of the war zone.”
I would add too. Be practical. But if it creeps you out to be using old furniture from a previous relationship, get rid of it. Sleeping on the floor is way better than sleeping in emotional discomfort.
Develop a working relationship with the nonresident parent. It’s sometimes difficult to work through those emotions, but “it’s all about the children,” Don said. Along with that, “don’t speak badly about your former spouse or allow your children to do that,” Kathy added. “And forgive your former spouse and yourself for the past. It releases you from the chains of bitterness and allows you to focus on growing a healthy stepfamily.”
Finding a workable relationship can be challenging - for the bioparent and the stepparent. Not badmouthing the other parent is critical. When you speak poorly about your child’s other parent, you are hurting that child’s self-worth. How can a child look in the mirror and see a reflection of both his parents inter-mingled - and hear someone saying bad things - and not have a poor self-image or feel conflicted?
Learn to love your stepchildren. “It’s the best gift you can give your new spouse,” Kathy said.
I would add that love takes time. I was relieved my husband did not pressure me to “love” the kids right away. I cared for them. I was concerned for them. I wanted for them to be happy and to have a good relationship with their dad and with me, but I can’t say I initially loved them. Love grew over time. It took years. So don’t rush it. Let it come naturally.
The Coryells are selling a workbook to help couples prepare for the rigors of stepfamily life and remarriage. It costs $15 and is available from www.creativeconnectionsministry.com.
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03.10.08
Posted in News at 8:35 am by Dawn Miller
If you watched ABC last night, then you saw the Turner family from Fairmont, West Virginia receive a new luxury house from the popular television show, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” The full episode is posted on the ABC website for viewing if you missed it.
Mom and dad in the family are Angie and Richard Turner, who married in 2003 to form a blended family with a brood of four - including Angie’s daughter Theresa and sons Tyron and Desmond, as well as Richard’s daughter Layton. Richard’s cousin Michael also moved in with the family. The parents work in the commuity with local youth coaching basketball, football and cheerleading. They would like to one day open up their own business to help the mentally challenged.
In late November 2007, the family was surprised by Ty Pennington and the gang from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
Their former home was less than 600 square feet and rotting. With little sleeping space for everyone in their old home, the girls had to share a bed, while the boys slept on the floor. The floors were unstable and the kitchen cabinets were falling off. It was the smallest home ever encountered by the team from ABC Home Makeover.
Reality TV magazine commented: Angie was sweet as she said she was blessed by the size of the home because the family had gotten a chance to become closer as a result of the limited space and that no one in the family ever complained.
A new home was built in a week for the family, with the network broadcast running last night.
Unfortunately, their newfound celebrity has also netted them some unfortunate tongue-wagging and rumor-mongering. The Charleston Daily Mail reported that:
Hosts at three radio stations, without calling the Turners to confirm, announced one morning that their yellow house was for sale.
It was a misunderstanding, the unfortunate result of a promotional ad the builder had placed in a real estate magazine. But outraged callers began to unload, and around 7:30 a.m., the Turners’ phones began to ring.
“Either somebody’s dead or there’s something in the paper,'’ Angie told Richard.
“We laughed at all the other rumors, but this was hurtful,'’ she recalls.
After a quick prayer, she called one of the stations.
“I told them we would never sell the house, that our integrity and character would never allow us to do that. I told them my dad had given me this land and this house, and we planned to hand it down to our kids,'’ she says. “We wouldn’t even sell that little house we had because of the land.'’
Even with all of the hoopla, the Turners are overjoyed to be in their new home. I love this show because it reminds me of the ten years I spent with a Habitat for Humanity affiliate - and the looks on the people’s faces when we dedicated their new home. Granted, a house by Habitat for Humanity is by no means the luxurious McMansion Extreme Makeover: Home Edition provides - but the joy and tears of home ownership are as real.
The State Journal’s look inside their new home. And a peek at the viewing party.
Reality TV magazine’s story on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Turner Family
Congratulations to the Turner Family. We wish you many years of happiness in your new home.
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03.01.08
Posted in News, Stepmom Profiles at 11:55 am by Dawn Miller
The rocky terrain of stepfamily life can be difficult to navigate - but with careful steps - we can get around the hot spots and build a solid family life. A profile published this week in the Modesto Bee interviews Don and Kathy Coryell, who are speaking today at a conference for blended families in Modesto, California.
The Coryells have some wonderful advice to offer. Early in a marriage, often the biological parent will expect for the stepparent to jump right in and start disciplining the kids. But the reality is that stepchildren don’t respond well to discipline from a stepparent, even one they liked before the marriage happened. Cathy expected Don to take on that role with her kids, but fortunately, he didn’t.
“The non-birth parent should take on the role of a loving, caring older uncle or aunt. You see all the good in the child and you encourage that child, but good ol’ loving uncles don’t discipline those children. Otherwise, it will produce rebellion, because you don’t have the connection with those kids to be the No. 1 correction officer in that home.
“That may change over the years and depends on the age of the child. But especially in the beginning, it’s important that the birth parent is the one who disciplines the children.”
Instead, Cathy found that she had to change her parenting style. In the past she had relied on a more authoritarian spouse to deal with disciplinary issues with the kids. Now she had to step up and be more in charge.
Don struggled too with how to define his role, and felt that the kids needed more discipline. But he felt that it wasn’t his place to dole it out:
“Going from being single for a number of years and moving into her house with all those teens was difficult,” he said. “From my perspective, the children were disrespectful to their mother. But it wasn’t my place to discipline them, because that was their world. That was their family of origin. I came from a different universe, so it would be wrong of me to come in and try to clean house, and I had to come to terms with that.
“Any discipline that I thought should be handed down, I had to talk all that through with Kathy. I had to depend on her to take care of it. But maybe to her, some things weren’t an issue, so there were some things I had to let go.”
I’ve been there. There are times when I have thought my stepkids were not respectful in how they behaved to their dad, their mom, or me. If the infraction is a violation of how we fundamentally want to run our home or disrespectful to everyone in the home, that’s one thing. If it’s a minor thing - that’s something else that I need to talk to my husband about or learn to let go. Figuring out which category the problem goes into -is always the hard part.
And like many stepparents, Don experienced that isolating sense of losing control of one’s own life and direction, that is common to so many stepparents. I well remember the first time someone else drove away in my car. Don told the Modesto Bee:
“Overnight, I didn’t have a space of my own,” he said. “My money wasn’t mine. My stereo wasn’t mine. My car wasn’t mine. And I couldn’t be myself. If I opened my mouth, I would say something inevitably wrong. I was the outsider, the odd man out. So the kids thought there was something wrong with me because if I did say something, I was out of line, and if I didn’t say something, that was odd, too.”
So Don and Cathy with their feelings and what they were learning as they adjusted to blended family life. They started teaching a class in 2005 for blended families and remarried couples to help them cope with grace and faith. They are even self-publishing a workbook to help other stepfamilies. Way to go Don and Cathy! Thank you for sharing your journey and reaching out to help others.
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