Stepfamilies are steeped in fairy tales. Wicked stepmother stereotypes and Brady Bunch mythology aren’t the only problems we have to contend with. We also have fairy godmother syndrome.

If you’ve ever caught yourself pining for a fairy godmother to immediately gel your family into Brady Blunch bliss with a flick of her magic wand, then you know what I am talking about. It’s easy to buy into the myth that your stepfamily will harmoniously blend instantly. But that’s not the reality. According to the Stepfamily Association of America, it can take up to four years for stepfamilies to establish a common history and research shows it can take five to seven years for them to integrate.

So if you don’t have a magic wand or fairy godmother in your castle, what can you do to help your stepfamily develop its own identity? One of the things that effective stepfamilies do is make family time a priority. Here’s three tips on how to do it.

Tip # 1 - Conquer the scheduling demon. You might be in a blended family where both parents work outside the home and have his, hers and our kids – all on different custody and activity schedules. Get a big desk calendar at an office supply store - keep it in your kitchen or somewhere handy (like near the phone) and put everyone’s activities and schedules on it with color codes. There are also some online scheduling packages now for stepfamilies if you prefer a more high-tech solution.

Identify a time when you are all free or can at least get a majority of people together. If you are having trouble, consider paring down your schedules. Overscheduling has led to children dozing in school from exhaustion because they are signed up for too many activities. Talk with your child about what activities he/she values and consider trimming down if the load is too heavy.

If you have a spouse who hates to plan, I feel your pain. My husband hates to plan and I love to organize. The spontaneity he had when we were dating that I loved, started to drive me crazy after we got married. We take a middle of the road approach to planning. I track the custody schedules in my calendar and book our vacations but we try not to regiment every aspect of our lives in my planner.

Tip # 2 – If you’re new at family activities together, pick a winner. Choose something you know everyone will like. Most people like to eat and meals are often easier to schedule than other activities. Make sure there’s something on the menu that everyone likes to eat and find a place where the whole group can sit together.

Finding activities where people can interact and do something together is key. My family has enjoyed doing “make your own pizza night” or cooking “breakfast for dinner” together. Last year we made Christmas ornaments for our tree. Or you can round up your board games and have a game night.

Try your hand at playing outdoors together or attending sports events together. My older stepson gave my husband a set of horse shoes for his birthday and everyone has enjoyed them. Play Marco Polo at the swimming pool with the whole stepfamily. Go as a group to cheer on a family member who plays sports. 

Tip # 3 – Plan activities regularly and persistently. Ask your kids what they would like to do together – you might be surprised at their creativity and what they suggest. If they don’t have an idea, have a back-up plan. Make it clear that you expect everyone will participate and be part of family time activities.

Dragging a sullen teenager along on a family outing is no picnic. Sometimes teens can be difficult to draw into activities because it seems like they will put down every idea you come up with. But focus group research with teens shows that they want to spend more time with family. Be persistent - they really want to be around you and to hear that you care about them, even if they don’t act like it.

Don’t overdo it. In families traumatized by an earlier divorce, sometimes a “culture of frenetic activity” crops up. Parents with only weekend visitation with their children can feel the need to squeeze in a lot to make up for lost time or to ease their own guilt. Cut everyone some slack and focus less on providing the “perfect activity” and more on just being together. It doesn’t have to be a hallmark card to be a bonding moment for your stepfamily.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com. 
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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