Mother’s Day poses unique challenges for stepmothers who don’t have natural or adopted children of their own. No one is really sure what to do with us – not our husbands, our stepchildren, or the greeting card industry.

Amid the 400 cards at the Hallmark store for Mother’s Day – there’s usually at least one or two cards for stepmoms. The options are decidedly limited, even if you include the “like a mother” cards. I’m always amazed that it’s easier to find a card specifically for my aunt on Mother’s Day, then it is to find one for a stepmother. You would think that the greeting card companies would catch on to the idea that families take many forms these days and offer a little more variety.

It can be easy for stepmoms to fall into the doldrums about M-day. We are often expected to shoulder much of the burden of child-caring duties. We might schlep the kids to a birthday party, advise a child on how to solve a problem with a friend, and clean up the puke and dispense the ginger ale when the kids have the flu.

As motherly as we might morph, stepmothers don’t get a special day. So what’s a stepmom to do? Here’s a few suggestions:

Be gracious. If your stepchildren honor you in some way on the big day, wonderful. Thank them for the card, gift, or sweet words. Some stepfamilies celebrate their stepmoms on the Sunday after Mother’s Day – just to provide some balance but not detract from the m-day event. If they don’t remember you – maneuver with tact and focus on having a great day for you.

Help your stepchildren honor their mother. For your stepchildren, this can be an exciting opportunity to show love and affection. But little ones might need a ride to the store, help making a card, or suggestions for what Mom might like. If your stepchildren can’t be with their mother on this special day, help them call her or send her a special message or gift.

Be civil to their mother. Many of the stepmoms I talk to care deeply for their stepchildren, and hold conflicted feelings about their stepchildren’s mother. As complicated as my own feelings are about my husband’s ex – there are many things about her children that I admire, and that I know she nurtured or contributed to nurturing within them. If your path crosses hers today – bury the hatchet – be civil and polite.

Celebrate your mother. This can be a great day to honor your mother and her role in your life. My mother has been kind enough to never laugh when I call asking how long to microwave potatoes, offered advice on dealing with a stepkid situation, clucked over my husband as he grieved his mother’s death, and supported my relationship with my stepchildren. She rocks.

Do something nice for yourself. By default, Mother’s Day often ends up being a “kid-free” day for childless stepmoms. Take a bubble bath, watch a movie, enjoy some one-on-one time with your hubby, or pamper yourself with a manicure or massage.

My own M-day track record is all over the place – and for many stepmoms, that’s par for the course. My first year as a stepmom the stepkids woke up at our house and gave me an adorable necklace. The next year they ignored me. The following year I planned to visit my mother out-of-state and avoid the awkwardness of the whole thing. But my mother-in-law died. So my mother visited me instead. Last year my stepdaughter gave me the most wonderful card full of mushy niceness, and my husband treated me like a queen.

Who knows what will happen this year. My oldest stepson will graduate from college on Mother’s Day – so the kids’ mom and I will likely be sitting only feet away from each other at the ceremony for hours on end. Our m-day attention will be focused on our stupendously wonderful graduate. I can’t wait to see him in his cap and gown and watch him get his diploma. And maybe that’s the best gift I could hope for on Mother’s Day – witnessing my stepson’s success.

Dawn Miller writes a column on life in blended families at thestepfamilylife.com. 
Visit Dawn's blog for a daily dose of life in the blender.
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